


Allowed to be Happy

by petals_and_bones



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Apocalypse, Reader-Insert, Romance, Zombies, like the exact opposite of the emotional torture porn that is TLOU2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:47:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27720224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petals_and_bones/pseuds/petals_and_bones
Summary: While snowed in on a scouting mission, you tell Dina the story of how you and Joel met.
Relationships: Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader, Joel/Reader
Comments: 13
Kudos: 110





	1. Prologue: Blizzard

Two cups of coffee warmed your hands as you trudged through the snow, cheeks rosy and toes freezing. It had snowed the night before- a lot- and all of Jackson was covered with a thick layer of perfect white. The pearly morning light reflected off of the snow as you squinted, admiring its beauty and subtly resenting how much more difficult it would make your scouting mission that day.

Someone called your name behind your back, and you turned to look over your shoulder.

“Oh! Mornin’, Tommy. You on duty, too?”

“Yep. Looks like Maria’s scheduled the whole family to be out today.” The older man caught up to you, hands deep in the pockets of his coat, shivering from the cold. “Who are you paired with?”

You smiled a little, looking back at the road. “Dina. Good timing, too- she’s all Ellie talks about. I’d like to get to know her better.” The two of you rounded the corner in the direction of the stables. Thank god- you were ready to actually drink your coffee.

Tommy chuckled. “The way you and Joel tell it, y’all make me relieved I don’t have to deal with a teenager.”

You rolled your eyes as the two of you walked into the warmth and hay-smell of the stables.

“You have no idea.”

Beside the schedule board, Dina and Ellie were clustered together in an intense, cheerful conversation. Dina looked up and grinned widely, her greeting waves enthusiastic as ever, while Ellie gave you a more subdued wave and smile. You looked around, coffees in hand, for the one person who was missing.

“Ellie, where’s Joel at?”

She shrugged, hands in her pockets. “I dunno. He’s probably outside somewhere. Think I saw him with Jesse.”

“Figures.” You muttered, turning around and trudging back outside. The cold was like a dagger, making your cheeks and nose bright, as you rounded the second corner of the stables. Jesse was in deep conversation with a figure whose back was more familiar to you than most people’s faces. You smiled, heart fluttering, as you walked up to them both and held a cup of coffee out to the grizzled-looking older man.

Joel jumped and, after realizing it was you, smiled warmly and wrapped his arms around you. His lips were chapped and cold, and yet your stomach still swarmed with butterflies as he kissed your forehead and took the cup of coffee from your hand.

“Mornin’, sugar.”

His thick Texan drawl never failed to make you weak in the knees. You let out an uncharacteristically girlish giggle and settled against his side, appreciating the warmth. He smelled like woodsmoke.

“Good morning, Jesse. Are you on patrol today, too?” You said kindly. He nodded, hands in his pockets.

“Yeah. I’m paired with Ellie. I’ll keep an eye on her, promise.”

Joel chuckled- you felt it rumble deep in his chest as you let your head rest against his shoulder. “Son, I think she’ll be the one keeping an eye on you.”

Jesse turned red and, after murmuring something about needing to check on his horse, went inside the stables. You turned to Joel and slung your arms over his broad shoulders, giving him a kiss on his reddened nose. “How come you let me sleep in so long? I was almost late.”

With a warm smile, he rubbed soft circles on your back with his free hand. “You needed sleep, darlin’. We were up pretty late last night.”

You rolled your eyes, shutting him up with a proper kiss. The warm prickle of his facial hair against your face made you smile, your eyes drifting closed. Just letting yourself get lost in the moment.

“Ewww! You _guys!_ Come on!”

You and Joel pulled away from each other and looked over to see Ellie, an annoyed expression on her face and her arms crossed. A giggling Dina stood behind her. “ _I_ think it’s cute!” She managed between laughs, poking Ellie in the ribs.

Joel rolled his eyes and looked back down at you, pressing one last kiss to your forehead before pulling away and walking over to Ellie. “Ain’t nothing you haven’t seen before, kiddo.” He ruffled her hair, making her whine indignantly and swat at his hand. You took a sip of your coffee, letting it warm you, watching the two of them bicker like they always had. 

Joel and Ellie. Your family. 

After a several minutes, when all the small talk was finished and all of the horses were wrangled, Joel pulled his ahead and addressed the patrol group.

“Now, y’all are a pretty competent group, so I won’t bore ya with the details. Stick to your routes, clear out any infected, and skip the lookout if you find any survivors.” He paused, making eye contact with you and giving you a sly wink.

The soaring wooden gates rolled open to reveal the sprawling, snow-covered landscape beyond. Dina pulled up her horse beside yours and clicked the reins, giving you a wide smile. “Let’s roll!”

~*~

The snow had started as a gentle surprise, but in less than an hour had become a torrent of swirling whiteness that clouded your vision. You and Dina had kept up intermittent small talk, but had quickly grown grave as you realized the situation was growing dire. Your horse’s haunches shuddered under your legs as she braved the cold, and you shouted to Dina over the howling wind:

“How far is the next checkpoint? I don’t think the horses can make it much longer!”

“Not far,” she responded, gloved hands clutching at the reins. “Actually, I think it’s- _there!”_

She pointed suddenly, at a dim outline just beyond the curtain of snow. You blinked, eyes watering from the harsh winds, trying to make out what it was. Urging the horses forward, you eventually got close enough to identify it- an empty house, one of the only in the area with a roof still intact. You sighed with relief as the horse slowly shuffled out of the knee-deep snow and into what used to be the house’s living room.

Your horse nickered softly as you eased out of the saddle, pins and needles pricking at your frigid legs. “Good job, Ripley.” You said softly, brushing excess snow out of the blonde mare’s mane. Beside you, Dina was shaking off the flakes that peppered her dark hair. 

“Man, it’s really coming down.” She said quietly, looking out at the storm. You nodded, rubbing your hands together in an attempt to warm them. 

“Yeah. Looks like we’re stuck for a little while, I reckon.”

Dina shrugged, walking over to her horse’s saddle bag and retrieving a small plastic container. “I got some of Seth’s beef jerky. Wanna wait it out?”

You smiled, hand still on Ripley’s neck. “Sounds wonderful.”

~*~

In no time at all, you had built a roaring fire in the house’s old mantel, for which you and the horses were both incredibly grateful. As the snow howled outside, you and Dina sat by the fire’s warm glow and talked about anything that came up. It was pretty nice, you had to admit; she was sharp as a tack and a wonderful storyteller. You approved of Ellie’s little crush.

After about an hour, a long stick of jerky in her hand, Dina leaned back against the room’s dingy couch and sighed.

“So what about you and Joel?”

Caught off-guard by the boldness of her question, you laughed. “What about us?”

“Y’know… what _happened?_ How did you meet? He doesn’t seem like the kind of prince who rides a white horse, if you get what I mean.”

“You aren’t wrong.” You responded thoughtfully, idly twisting the golden band that wrapped around your ring finger. 

As you stared into the flames, spellbound, you reflected on everything that had happened up to that point. It was true, Joel absolutely was no prince, but you loved him anyway. So much so that it made you ache. It was a hard feeling to live with, knowing the lifestyle you both led- but he made everything worth it.

“It’s a long story.” You said quietly.

Dina shrugged. “We have time for a long story.”

As if in response to her words, the howling wind outside picked up with a vengeance. You reached over and grabbed another piece of wood, throwing it on the fire.

“Well.” you began, “it started like this...”


	2. It Can't Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish there were some option to label a chapter as a prologue because TECHNICALLY this is Chapter 1, but whatever. Let's get into it! TW for mentions of suicide.

There were three constants that kept you sane.

The first, and most obvious, was the farm. You had commandeered an abandoned farm in the flatlands of what used to be Colorado. Nothing more than a flimsy barn, a small farmhouse, and a few acres of land. It was small, defenseless, and produced only enough food for two or three people to struggle along. But the routine of keeping it alive propelled you through even the hardest of days.

The second was Fiver. A scruffy, blonde mutt who hung onto you like a shadow. He had been your only companion since you found him scavenging along the winding desert road, looking for scraps. You’d given him a sliver of beef jerky, and the two of you had been inseparable ever since. He had been with you when you found the farm. In fact, he had sniffed out the farm’s old well, miraculously not dried up. You owed your life to Fiver, and he to you.

The third thing that kept you sane was the old shotgun, propped by your bed. You had never even taken the safety off, let alone shoot it at anyone, but every night before going to bed you would pick it up and let the barrel rest in your mouth. Sometimes you’d only hold it there for a moment, sometimes for an hour, just to taste the aging steel and know there was always an escape from the loneliness.

And then you’d put it down, and you’d go to sleep.

That was how life was, after the outbreak. You had only been a young child when it happened and had no memories of the world before the Cordyceps virus had taken over. Somewhere in the back of your mind were parents; vague, blurry faces that fussed over you and tried to protect you. Those faces vanished somewhere in your early teens. Deep down, you knew what had happened to them, but it was a memory buried under so many empty hours of tilling the soil and watering the crops that you had stopped thinking about it altogether. An amazing feat, considering that thinking was all that one could do in the silence.

So to keep from thinking, you worked. You fenced in the acres surrounding the sagging farmhouse, you planted crops that would rotate with the seasons: tomatoes, cucumbers, potatoes, corn. You scavenged on the occasional days that you left the farm, venturing out into the nothingness beyond with Fiver at your side for the occasional hare or coyote for dinner. You rarely saw Infected, and you never saw any other people. It was just you and Fiver, alone.

Change happens so fast.

Wind and rain battered at the side of the farmhouse as you sat in your sagging armchair with a shivering Fiver at your side. He hated storms. You weren’t particularly fond of them either.

“It’s okay, pal,” You murmured, stroking his matted fur. “Just a little rain. It might knock down a section of fence and let the Infected in, or destroy our crops and leave us to starve. Nothing to worry about.”

He gave you the most reproachful look a dog could be capable of.

As if on cue, a crack of thunder rattled the house. You both yelped. Standing up with a hint of uncertainty in your movements, you gave the dog one last pat on the head. “I should probably check outside.”

A gust of wind wrenched the front door out of your hand as soon as you opened it, pinning itself to the side of the house. Rain battered at the porch railing, practically coming in sideways. Wrestling the door shut behind you, you gazed out at the darkened landscape.

“At least I don’t have to water today.” You muttered with resentment, the wind pulling at your hair. You were about to go back inside when something caught your eye on the horizon.

Horses.

‘ _ What the hell?’ _

It was a little hard to tell from a distance, but as the moments passed, the silhouettes became clearer. Two horses, side by side, trotting along the narrow road. And that wasn’t all.

“... holy shit. Those are people.”

Sure enough, two figures sat astride the horses. One looked taller than the other. Your bewilderment had you frozen in place on the porch for several moments, just gazing at the mysterious sight.

That is, until one of them pulled the reins and started coming for the house.

“Fuck,” you breathed, turning and making for the door. You’d designed the fences to keep out Infected, but a regular person could unlatch the front gate and come in easily. Fiver’s ears perked up as you slammed inside, hands groping blindly in front of you. You rushed to your room, grabbing the shotgun with trembling hands.

A shout came from outside. You couldn’t tell if it was intended for you.

With the weapon in your hands and your senses on full alert, you approached your front door slowly, Fiver at your side. You could feel your heart pounding. With a deep breath, you opened the door.

The pair had gotten off their horses and were almost to the porch when they saw you. A bearded, grizzled-looking older man with a gun slung over his shoulder and a young girl, a pistol ready in her hand. She whipped it up and pointed it at you immediately, but the man at her side quickly pushed the barrel down. They were both drenched, and the darkened sky cast an eerily dim light over the whole scene.

There was silence for a moment, interrupted only by the rain.

“What do you want?” You called out hesitantly.

The pair exchanged glances briefly before looking back at you.

“We’re just passin’ through. Thought the place was abandoned.” The man responded. His voice was deep and lay in a heavy, strangely comforting Texan accent. The sound of another human voice almost stopped you in your tracks. It had been  _ so long. _

“W-Well, um… it isn’t.” You said dumbly. The girl narrowed her eyes. You stammered, “It’s just me, though. Me an’ my dog, that’s it. I swear.” You realized that you were still holding the shotgun and lowered it to the ground, raising both hands in a gesture of peace.

It was obvious the two didn’t believe you. They stared for a moment longer, then the girl waved away the older man’s hand and pointed her pistol straight at you again. 

“Give us the gun.”

Nodding good-naturedly, you stepped forward and gave the shotgun a gentle kick, your hands still up. It skittered down the porch steps and fell with an audible  _ thump _ on the ground below. Fiver whimpered as the older man stepped forward, eyes on you, to pick up your shotgun.

“Ellie, don’t let her outta your sight. I’m gonna check the rest of the house.” He said gruffly. The girl, Ellie, kept her pistol trained on you as he stomped up the porch and went for the door.

Fiver approached the man and sniffed at him curiously. You watched him hesitate, then reach down and rub Fiver between the ears. “Hey there, pooch.” The man murmured. Fiver leaned into his hand, his tongue lolling from his mouth in a goofy grin.

You rolled your eyes. “Some guard dog you are.”

Several minutes passed after the man entered your house, leaving you and Ellie to stare at each other. She kept her pistol firmly trained at your face, blinking the rain out of her eyes. You felt bad for her, standing out in the deluge like that.

“Would you like to come up onto the porch? It looks wet out there.”

She scowled at you for a moment. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” You asked, attempting a smile. “I can keep my hands up. And Fiver won’t hurt you.”

She considered your offer, looking between you and the dog, before approaching the porch steps with her gun still raised. “As long as you won’t fuck with me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” You responded kindly, stepping back to give her some room as she joined you under the shelter. Fiver trotted up to her immediately, sniffing at her pant leg and sitting at her side. “I think he likes you.” You added.

Ellie allowed herself a quick glance at the dog before looking back at you. “Shut up.”

“Okay.”

The rain was the only sound for the next few minutes, before the older man came back out of the house. “Put your gun down, Ellie. She’s tellin’ the truth.” Ellie lowered her pistol, still eyeing you suspiciously. You breathed a sigh of relief.

“Why’re you out here all alone?” He asked, crossing his arms. You shrugged.

“I’ve always lived here alone. Just me ‘n Fiver taking care of the farm. I haven’t seen another person in years.”

A crack of thunder echoed from above, making Fiver and Ellie both flinch. The man kept a steady gaze on you. He had the most stunning eyes, you realized with a slight blush dusting your cheeks.

All at once, you found yourself hoping  _ desperately _ that the two would stay. Strange as they were, they didn’t seem like too much of a threat. And it had been so long since you’d seen anyone who wasn’t Infected.

“I, um… have food. And shelter. Y’all can at least stay here and ride out the storm.” You offered, gauging their expressions. The pair looked at each other again, seemingly having a conversation with their eyes, before the man turned back to you.

“Give us a minute.”

You nodded, lowering your hands and patting your thigh for Fiver. He trotted over to you, carefree as ever, as the two walked back to their horses at the edge of the fence. Kneeling down and ruffling Fiver’s fur, you kept an eye on them as they talked amongst themselves.

Eventually, they nodded in assent and made their way back onto the porch. “You got room for us to sleep?” The man asked, wiping the rain from his eyes. You tried to suppress your building glee. “Of course, I’ve got a couple bedrooms. Even got shelter for the horses.” You gestured toward the barn, a few dozen feet behind the house. The man looked down at his companion, Ellie, who seemed to have relaxed a bit. She looked at you for a moment, then down at Fiver, and finally back at the way they both came. And then, amazingly, she smiled.

“Yeah, okay. As long as we don’t get murdered.”

You chuckled and leaned down a little, so you were at her eye level. “Looks to me like the fiercest thing on this farm right now is you, kiddo. Just promise you don’t murder  _ me _ .”

“Deal!” She holstered her pistol in her belt. “I’m Ellie, but you already know that. What did you say your dog’s name was?” Ellie was already kneeling down and scratching the pup’s chin. 

“That’s Fiver, he won’t hurt you none. He’s just a big marshmallow.” Looking back up to the older man, you held your hand out and introduced yourself. He shook your hand and smiled kindly, albeit a little hesitantly. 

“I’m Joel. Thank you for letting us stay.”

His hand was warm and rough, and the skin-to-skin contact with another person sent blood unexpectedly rushing to your cheeks. You quickly let go and brushed the excess water off on your shirt. “Well… you both can go on inside and dry off. I’ll take your horses to the barn.”

Ellie quickly took you up on your offer and ran inside, Fiver close on her heels, but Joel waited for a minute and watched you as you stepped down off the porch. The horses nickered softly and stepped back as you approached, but calmed down as you shushed them and held your hands out. “It’s alright, I won’t hurt you.” You murmured softly, taking their reins in both hands. “That’s it, follow me. Got a nice dry barn, and some hay… Probably some bugs in there too, but I’ll make up for it with some fresh carrots, huh?”

You kept talking quietly to the horses as you led them back to the barn to settle in for the night. As you walked out of sight, Joel smiled a little. This place didn’t seem too bad... nor did you. Maybe this was the start of a well-needed stroke of good luck for him and Ellie. 

A flash of lightning illuminated the landscape, open and empty. Nothing for miles. He realized for a minute that you must be pretty lonely living out here, and for the first time in a while, he felt his heartstrings tug a little. Maybe they’d stay for more than one night. 

You both could probably use the company.

~*~

When you came back inside, Ellie was struggling to take off her soaked sneakers while Fiver sniffed at them curiously. Joel was wandering around the room, looking out each window at the rest of the farm. He glanced over at you as you cleared your throat, shaking rainwater from your hair. 

“You’ve got a pretty nice crop out there.” He said pleasantly, gesturing out the back window to the rows of vegetables. “That all you eat?”

“Well, I manage. Sometimes Fiver and I find a coyote or something, but it’s rare that we have meat for more than a few days.” Scratching the back of your head awkwardly, you passively realized that you had no idea how to hold a conversation with anyone other than yourself. SIlence hung in the air pensively before Ellie finally got her wet shoe off with a  _ pop _ , kicking it across the room and laying back in your chair.

“This place is nice,” she said offhandedly, punctuating her sentence with a long yawn. “Where are we sleeping?”

Something about her seemingly carefree attitude made you smile. “Well, follow me. I’ll show ya.”

She stood up, wringing water from her auburn ponytail. “I haven’t slept in a bed in for- _ ever.” _ The last word trailed languidly from her lips. Behind her, Joel rolled his eyes. 

The two followed you into the downstairs hallway, bordered with four different doors. You didn’t use this part of the house very much, and the rooms were probably in a wretched state. Nevertheless, you opened the furthest door on the left. The isolation made itself obvious as swirls of dust puffed out into the air, making you cough and your eyes water.

The room beyond was an old child’s bedroom, with pastel blue walls and toys strewn across the floor. Something about the decor had always given you the creeps, but Ellie rushed past you and threw open the musty curtains to let the dreary light outside come pouring in. 

“I call dibs on this room!” She jumped onto the small twin bed, dust clouding out from under the aging mattress. Joel waved his hand, trying to clear the stale air.

“Don’t ya think it’s a little…” he cleared his throat. “...  _ dusty?” _

“Better than spores!” She responded, letting herself fall back onto the bed with another yawn. Fiver hopped up after her, curling up in a contented heap with a happy little ‘huff’.

The older man rolled his eyes again (it seemed like a constant thing around Ellie), and turned to you. You’d been inconspicuously admiring the swell of muscle under his flannel shirt, and the way his dark hair curled around the base of his tan neck, so he caught you off-guard by looking at you so suddenly.

“No arguin’ there. Guess you can take me to whatever’s left.”

You cleared your throat, trying to casually play off the staring, and turned to the door across the hall. “I actually use this room sometimes, so it probably isn’t as stale as that one.” It opened with a creak of aging hinges.

It was the room you sometimes used as a studio space for the various creative pursuits you’d tried. A desk sat under the open window across the room, on top of which sat a half-finished wood carving and several carpentry tools. Beside the desk was a gently used twin bed, topped with a yellowing quilt and still rumpled from the last nap you’d taken in it. The room was a little musty, but had a pleasant cedar scent to it that made Joel smile slightly.

“Not bad. Closest thing I’ve felt to a hotel since before everything happened.” He strolled into the room, his gait slow and methodical, but hesitated as something caught his eye.

You followed his gaze to the corner of the room, behind the desk, where an ebony-stained guitar sat collecting dust.

“Oh, that.” You murmured, crossing your arms with a chuckle. Joel walked over to the guitar and picked it up, running his fingers casually over the strings. A discordant  _ twang _ made you wince; it hadn’t been tuned in a couple years.

Joel looked natural with the guitar in his arms, admiring the condition and build. Something about him, this stranger who hadn’t been in your house for more than a couple hours, made your heart hammer for some reason. Not just because he was handsome (which he  _ absolutely _ was), but something about him seemed… comforting. Protective. You found yourself smiling for no reason as he gave the strings another strum. 

“Do you play?” You eventually asked, curiosity overwhelming your voice. He shrugged.

“I used to.” He brushed his thumb gently over the moth decal between a couple of the frets before setting it back down. No other words needed to be said.

He looked up at you, his dark eyes startling in their clarity. “So you’re really just... here? By yourself?”

“Yeah,” you said offhandedly, leaning against the doorframe. “I promise I won’t wait until you’re asleep to ambush you and Ellie or anything. It really is just me.” Something about your situation seemed to sadden the older man, and a profound quietness made him seem to soften somewhat.

“Seems kinda lonely.”

“Sometimes.” You looked over your shoulder at the room across the hall. Ellie had fallen asleep without so much as putting on a blanket, and Fiver was snuggled against her side. “I have my dog. And I have the garden. That’s all I really need.”

Joel’s gaze lingered on you for a moment longer before he looked away, sighing deeply. “I see.”

You looked back at him and, when it seemed like he wasn’t going to say anything else, you stood up straight and stretched. “Well, I won’t keep ya! I’m gonna check the perimeter and make sure the horses are alright before it gets too dark.”

“I’ll come with you.” Joel said without missing a beat. You were somewhat taken aback by the suddenness of his offer, to which he offered a shrug and a smile. “Safety in numbers. It’s in my nature.”

As you and Joel went outside into the misty, drizzling night, few words were spoken between you. His presence was comforting not only in that it was nice to have a companion, but also because you could tell he wasn’t the type to fill the air with meaningless words. You checked the area around the fence for damages, repaired the latch on the gate, fed the horses, and checked on the garden all in relative silence. Only after you’d come back inside, once it was properly dark and you’d lit a few candles around the living room, did he break the silence again.

“Well… I reckon we’ll still be here in the mornin’.” He said quietly, kicking the mud off of his boots. You nodded, looking down the hallway to make sure Ellie and Fiver were still asleep.

“You two sleep as long as you need, I mean it. I might recruit you to help me with the garden in the morning, if you have time.”

Joel smiled a little, running a hand through his damp hair. “It’s the least I can do. We really appreciate this.”

The silence stretched on for a minute as you looked at each other, the dim candle light flickering. You felt your face warming, despite the chill in the air. The only sounds were Ellie’s soft snores coming from the room down the hall and the gentle patter of rain on the rooftop. Joel held eye contact, seemingly on the verge of saying something, before he cleared his throat.

“Well. Goodnight.” He murmured your name softly, smiling, and then brushed past you to walk down the hall and into the spare room.

You watched him go, the ghost of a ‘goodnight’ on your lips, and watched his door slowly close. Something intangible warmed you as you walked upstairs to your room and, after taking off your boots, curled up in bed and stared out the window at the murky night sky. Exhaustion was quick to take over, but as you slipped into a deep sleep, you realized what that feeling was.

Happiness.

Downstairs, your shotgun lay on the porch, forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Current status: would die for Joel Miller


	3. Collateral Damage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for some animal injury in this chapter.

You jolted awake to the unfamiliar sounds of footsteps echoing from the floor below. Heart pounding, you sat straight up. Your hand almost went for the shotgun before you heard muffled voices. Sagging back against the pillows with a sigh of relief, you chuckled a little bit. 

Joel. Ellie. Of course, how could you forget?

After tugging on some clothes, you made your way downstairs. Ellie had already found your collection of faded paperbacks and was lolling in an overstuffed armchair, oblivious to the world around her. Fiver was curled up at her feet. You wonder if he’d even left her side since they arrived.

Joel was leaning in the doorway of the kitchen, but straightened up as soon as he saw you. “Mornin,” he smiled, a _proper_ smile, that made your stomach all fluttery. “Sorry if we woke you.” You shook your head with a smile, moving a hand up to massage the stiffness from your neck. 

“You’re fine, I’m usually up fairly early. You guys want something to eat?”

Ellie sat up with a nod. “Dude, I’m starving. What food do you have?” You feigned being deep in thought for a moment. 

“Well… I’ve got some stewed and boiled rocks, and maybe a few sticks…” Ellie rolled her eyes at the jest, and you heard Joel chuckle.

“Just kidding. You wanna come help me get something from the garden?” You asked kindly. Ellie nodded and flopped her book down on the arm of the chair. As she got up, stopping to pet Fiver, you looked over at Joel. “Your horses should be out in the barn if you wanna go and check on ‘em. I left them with some food, but I bet they’re getting lonely.” The man nodded and murmured something in assent as he moved for the door, leaving just you and Ellie.

She followed you out the back door. The sky outside was just starting to lighten, the horizon painted with watery yellows and purples. Still damp and rich with the smell of rain, the cool morning air settled on your face with a palpable pleasantness. Tugging on the pair of old rubber boots that sat on the back porch, you stole a glance at Ellie. She was surveying what she could see of the garden with great interest. You contemplated breaking the silence, but decided against it, the peace of the morning just too nice to spoil.

Fiver was already bounding ahead by the time you got to the fence, sniffing at the ground with great interest. You unlatched the gate and opened it for Ellie, who seemed surprised by all the greenery. “So, like… you grow your own food?” She finally asked, squatting down to get a better look at the tomato vines.

You nodded. “Yeah. There’s nothing much else to do out here. You ever been on a farm, Ellie?” She shook her head. The moment stretched as you expected her to say something else, but she stayed quiet. The only sound was gentle birdsong as the rest of the world started to wake up around you. You handed Ellie a basket and wordlessly showed her how to harvest the cabbage plants. She got to work quickly, going down the row as you turned your attention to the carrots.

It was peaceful for a time, the two of you just pulling vegetables together. Finally, you spoke up.

“So where are you two headed?”

You didn’t get an answer immediately, nor did you expect to. She was focused wholly on her work. Then, as soon as you’d accepted that she wasn’t going to say anything, she finally spoke up.

“West.”

The unexpectedly short answer left you with a lot more questions. It was obvious she was keeping things close to the vest, so you hesitated a little before saying anything else. 

“How, um… how long can you stay?”

Fuck. You hadn’t expected that to come across as sounding so desperate. She shrugged. “Not sure. We should probably leave today, but I kinda wanna stay.” She was silent for another minute. “I, um. I like your dog. And this house.” Another beat. “It’s been a long time since I got to sleep in an actual bed.”

She looked up, and you caught her gaze with a small smile.

~*~

The October sun, weak but determined, had already crested the horizon by the time you both walked back inside. Joel was seated in the armchair in the living room, arms crossed, head back. His gentle snoring filled the otherwise quiet room.

You stiffened at the sight, not wanting to wake him. Ellie just rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry about him. It’s impossible to wake him up when he _really_ wants to sleep.”

Something about him just seemed so peaceful, sleeping in the chair you’d occupied for so many years. You didn’t even realize that a smile had ghosted your lips until Ellie nudged your side. “So… what are we supposed to do with these?”

You snapped back to attention and looked down at her with a start. “Um… well, we’ve gotta wash them first.” You hoisted your basket a little higher on your hip. “Hope you like your leafy greens.” She stifled a tiny little ‘eck’ noise as she walked into the kitchen. 

Sparing one last glance at Joel, you turned and followed close behind.

You passed a pleasant couple of hours putting together lunch with Ellie. Once not on guard, she was actually pretty fun to be around, exclaiming how much better vegetables tasted when they weren’t in cans and getting excited to cut them with your old kitchen knife. Fiver spent the whole morning going back and forth between the two of you, not sure who he should give his attention to.

She was hesitant to explain her relationship with Joel and the purpose of their travels, instead regaling you with stories of everything that had happened to the two of them so far. She got particularly animated as she described the first time she ever killed a clicker, miming stabbing motions with a carrot. 

It amazed you just how far they’ve come. Trying to pull off some kind of cross-country trip, just a young girl and a grizzled old man, seems like it would have killed them already.

And yet here they were. And you were glad for it.

At one point, her mouth full, Ellie decided that she was finished talking about herself. “How long have you been here?”

You ruminated on it for a moment, hands on your hips. “Hmm… for a really long time. At least ten years.” Her eyebrows raised, and you smiled. “I’ve been here since I was around your age, actually.”

With a surprised whistle, she nodded. “Wow. So you’ve just been… farming… all that time? By yourself?” 

You gave her another smile. “Yeah. I found Fiver about six years ago, but aside from him, it’s just been me.” You leaned down and scratched the attention-desperate dog between his ears. “All we have is each other. Can’t take it for granted.”

“I know what you mean,” Ellie murmured. 

As if on cue, you heard stirring from the living room. “Hey, sounds like someone’s awake. Did you leave anything for Joel?”

She looked guiltily down at her plate. “Umm… I think I ate all the carrots.”

Joel walked into the kitchen to an unexpected sight: the two of you laughing hysterically, tears in your eyes. Fiver trotted over to him and gave his leg an expectant nudge, obviously ready for his morning pet quota. The man blinked for a second, baffled at the scene, before reaching down and rubbing the dog’s ears.

“Umm… hey there.”

You looked over at him, a smile still wide on your face. He was still a little on edge, you could tell, but more well-rested than he was yesterday.

“Seems like you had a nice nap.” You offered, gesturing to Ellie and the food laid out on the table. “Eat as much as you’d like before Ellie inhales it all. The horses doing alright?”

He nodded wordlessly, taking a seat beside Ellie. He looked visibly surprised to see his companion in such a good mood. You wondered how often he saw her completely at ease. 

It must have been unusual.

The silence stretched awkwardly for several minutes, the only sounds being Fiver’s paws padding around the room.

Joel cleared the silence after a minute, clearing his throat. “So… I was thinkin’, today might be a good day for Ellie and I to head out. We don’t wanna waste too much time, and I didn’t plan on us stayin’ in one place for too long…” He trailed off, fully aware of the point he’d already made. 

You looked at his face for a moment, noting his weathered expression, his brows knitted with concern. Where on earth the two could be headed that would make him so worried? 

“Aww, _Joel,_ come on. We can stay at least one more day, right? I like it here! There are books, and… and a dog!”

Fiver barked his assent, making Ellie laugh. Joel sighed.

“We don’t have time. You know we-” the man cut himself off, eyes flicking up to meet yours. He’d almost given away their plan. You would have been lying to say you weren’t a little disappointed. Ellie pouted a little before shrugging, fiddling with her fork.

“Okay.”

A dull panic suddenly bloomed in your core at the idea of the two leaving. They’d just gotten here, why would they have to go so soon? The concept of being alone again made your stomach constrict and your legs feel like water. It had taken years to grow accustomed to loneliness, but reversing it had been as easy as flipping a switch. To be dropped back into it, as suddenly as you were taken out…

Your fear was interrupted by the sudden panicked neighing of the horses outside.

Joel was on his feet in no time at all, brandishing his revolver. Ellie was right behind him, the kitchen knife clutched in her small fist. “Wait-” You began, but they were already at the front door with their weapons at the ready. You trailed after them anxiously, Fiver at your heels, and the moment you were out the front door you saw what the source of their panic was.

They were _crawling._ Their legs were so atrophied that they were practically rotting away. Clusters of fungal growths sprouted on their heads and shoulders, pulsing with a sickening purplish stain that churned your stomach. The group of Clickers had already managed to clamber over the front gate and were dragging themselves across the grass toward the front of the house. White-hot panic exploded inside your stomach the moment you saw them, teeth gnashing, releasing horrific guttural wails.

You heard Joel shout, “Ellie!” and looked over to see the teenager with her hunting rifle trained directly at the approaching swarm. There were at least a dozen of them, all in varying stages of infection. The one leading the group, and by far the most infected, twitched in horrible, shuddering movements as it crawled toward the porch.

Then the gunfire started.

Joel and Ellie mowed the whole group down, setting the air alive with loud cracks. The clickers squealed like pigs, jerking and writhing in pain as each of them were put down. Your hands jumped up to cover your ears, wincing, just waiting for Joel and Ellie to finish the job. Squeezing your eyes shut, you took deep, steady breaths, knowing that it would all be over soon…

As your left leg was nudged aside by a blur of fur and teeth that streaked down off the porch.

You gasped in horror, eyes shooting open, to see your dog sprinting full speed at the last Clicker as it hauled itself over the fence. His teeth were bared in a fierce snarl, ready to rip the thing’s throat out. Icy fear squeezed your heart.

“FIVER! _NO!”_

It happened fast, almost too fast to see. The Clicker’s hand whipped out and grabbed onto Fiver’s hind leg, squeezing _hard._ You screamed at the sound of snapping bone.

_“Joel! Shoot it!”_

_“I’m trying! I might hit the dog!”_

Their voices came to you as if through water, dim under the sound of Fiver’s panicked yelps. They sounded almost like human screams of pain, matching your own. You didn’t know what to do with your hands- you felt useless, defenseless, _terrified._

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw your shotgun, laying on the wooden floorboard a few feet away.

The Clicker pulled Fiver close by his leg and _bit_ into it, the moist crunch of its teeth on his bone cracking like a whip in the air. Your dog screamed again, trying to scrabble out of its grip in a blind panic. Joel and Ellie were still yelling at each other, trying to figure out what to do.

You don’t know what urged you on. Maybe it was adrenaline. Maybe it was fear. Whatever it was, it was enough to propel you forward, make you snatch up the shotgun, and rush off the porch toward the monster that clutched your only best friend in its gnarled fist. 

Somewhere behind you, Joel screamed your name.

You reached down and hauled Fiver away from the thing by the scruff of his neck, his now-useless leg trailing limply behind him. Leveling your shotgun at the Clicker’s face, you snarled as it gave you one last inhuman screech.

And you pulled the trigger.

Its fungal head popped like a blister. You pulled the trigger again and blew its arm clean off, leaving nothing but a gaping hole where it had been. Gore and viscera splattered across your face, cold to the touch. The smell was unimaginable.

Blood rushed in your ears as you stared down at the remains of the Clicker, white-knuckling the barrel of your shotgun. Your heart felt like it was about to burst from your chest, yet all you could hear was static. White spots swam in front of your vision. Time slowed, expanding in on itself and targeting you in the epicenter.

Something touched your shoulder. You whirled around, eyes wide, and swiveled your shotgun.

Joel backed away, his hands in the air. His face was a strange combination of concern and pity. He said your name slowly. “Put down the gun.”

Slowly, your heart began to calm. You let the firearm drop to the ground with a dull ‘thud’ and looked back at the Clicker. It had stopped twitching, and what remained of its head was soaked with a black, foul smelling liquid.

Behind you, Ellie called for you and Joel. She was carrying a howling Fiver in her arms, blood dripping down his hind leg. “We should get him inside,” Joel said to her. His voice was still slightly muffled. You watched Ellie walk up the steps of the porch.

Beside you, Joel gently touched your arm. “C’mon. We gotta go.”

“I’ve never killed someone before.” You said hollowly. Had your voice always sounded like that?

“And you still haven’t,” Joel responded reassuringly, guiding you up the porch steps. “Those things are anything but people, trust me.”

Inside, Ellie had set Fiver up on the couch and was gently tending to his wounded leg while he panted and whined. The sight was enough to rouse you from your fugue state, the dull shock replaced with a sudden cold lancet of fear. You knelt down beside her, petting your dog gently and holding him in place.

“I’ve got you, buddy. Hang on. You’ll be okay.”

“Joel, have you ever seen an animal get bitten?” Ellie asked quietly. Joel stood behind her, his voice low and uncertain.

“Yeah. They don’t get infected like we do. It ain’t fatal.” 

You looked up at him, tense. “How do you know that?”

“Saw it happen to a deer once, just after the outbreak. Animals ain’t carriers- something about their brain chemistry. That’s what the scientists all said, anyway.”

It was a small amount of relief, but nowhere near the amount that you needed. “Ellie, go to the cabinet in my bedroom upstairs and check the bottom drawer. There should be peroxide and a few rolls of gauze.”

“But-”

Fiver whined again, shifting his leg and crying out as it oozed blood. _“Now!”_ You snapped. Ellie visibly flinched, turning and running upstairs.

The room was quiet for several seconds as you kept petting Fiver between the ears, shushing him, telling him everything would be okay. It felt as if you were standing at the edge of a cliff. It had been bad enough knowing that Joel and Ellie would leave soon, but you could not- absolutely _would not_ let Fiver go.

He was all you had.

Joel cleared his throat behind you. “I think they must have been drawn by the horses. Looks like they hadn’t had anything to eat for a long time.”

“I never get Clickers out here.” you muttered. “It’s the only explanation.”

The teenage girl came tromping back down the stairs, a bottle of peroxide in one hand and a roll of gauze in the other. You instructed her to sit at Fiver’s head and hold his shoulders down, then asked Joel to hold him by the haunches so he couldn’t move. His panting had started to get shallower- you hoped that just meant he was tired.

“Okay. I’m gonna count to three, and then I’m gonna clean his leg. Y’all got a good hold?”

They both nodded.

“Okay. Here goes. One…”

You unscrewed the cap of the bottle. 

“Two…” 

Gripping Fiver’s leg, you set a thought aside for him. This was for his own good.

“Three.”

You poured a splash of peroxide onto a wad of gauze and pressed it to the ripped hole on your dog’s leg. He screamed and thrashed, whining helplessly. The sound brought tears to your eyes as you wrapped his leg tightly, liberally applying the peroxide.

“I know it hurts, buddy… it’s okay… you’re gonna feel all better after this!” Ellie quietly muttered to the blonde mutt, petting the fur on his neck. Even after you’d secured a splint and applied several layers of wrapped gauze on his injury, she continued to whisper gentle words of comfort to him.

You stood back and wiped the sweat from your brow. Your sleeve came away bloody.

Joel stood up with a sigh and turned to face you, hands splayed in a gesture of apology. “I didn’t realize… the horses normally don’t make enough noise to attract Clickers.”

“It’s okay,” you said softly, “it could have been worse. Fiver will be okay, and no one else got hurt. That’s the most important thing.”

When you looked up at the window, you saw that dusk was already falling outside. “Guess you two should go ahead and get moving. It’ll be dark soon.”

Ellie’s head snapped up. “I’m not going anywhere!”

Joel sighed. “Ellie-”

“Fuck no! It’s our responsibility to make sure Fiver lasts the night!”

_“Ellie-”_

“If we leave now, it’ll be just like what happened in-”

“ELLIE.” Joel snapped, making the younger girl’s voice falter. He sighed again, rubbing the back of his neck. “If you’d let me _finish_ , for Christ’s sake, I was gonna ask if you’d mind making sure the horses are settled in the barn for the night.”

She paused, then smiled, standing up and brushing dog hair off of her jeans. Promising the exhausted Fiver that she would be right back, she took off out the door and into the side yard.

“Now,” said Joel, turning to you, “let’s get you cleaned up.”

~*~

The alcohol-soaked rag was cold against your face as Joel gently wiped it down, clearing your skin of the rotting blood and fungal matter that had splattered all over it. You kept your eyes on the kerosene lamp burning in the center of the kitchen, hesitant to make eye contact with him while he was working so closely.

“You gonna be alright?” He finally murmured, his gravelly voice making your heart flutter.

“I… think so. I’ve never killed an Infected… haven’t even seen one within miles of this house in years.”

“Well, you did just fine.” He wrung the rag out into the kitchen sink. Your stomach churned as you saw how dark the liquid that dripped from it was.

“Neither of you have to stay if you need to get going. Fiver and I will be fine, really.”

The older man chuckled, wiping his hands off on one of your dish towels. “It’d take a hell of a lot to get Ellie away from that dog, now. Besides, someone’s gotta make sure you’re okay.” He turned back to you and inspected your face. One of his hands came up to touch the side of your cheek in a gesture that was unexpectedly intimate. You blushed, knowing that he was probably just wiping away some stray blood, but his hand _lingered._

Your gaze shifted to meet his, and in that instant, you were surprised to see how soft his dark eyes were in the dim lamplight. His lips were slightly parted, his brow knitted with tender concern, and your stomach fluttered as the pad of his thumb stroked gently across your cheek. 

And, just as soon as the moment had started, it was over. He pulled his hand away and stood up. “C’mon. Let’s make sure those two are alright.” He gestured for you to follow as he turned and walked slowly out of the kitchen. Your breath, which had been caught in your throat, came out in a low gust as you stood to follow the older man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Would you like to stay for dinner?"
> 
> "WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER-"


	4. Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like at the rate I'm cranking this story out, it'll be done before Christmas. I just *clenches fist* love writing Ellie and Joel, dammit!

You’d opted to spend the night on the couch downstairs with Fiver, and at the same time hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep. Ellie, who had wanted to stand guard over the injured dog, had gone an hour before falling asleep with her head resting against his midsection. Fiver didn’t seem to mind. He curled up around the young girl, snoozing away while you periodically checked on his leg.

Joel was out on the porch, keeping watch.

That night would linger in your memories as one of your best and one of your worst. You flinched at every twig crack or cricket chirp. The nature sounds that had been so reassuring just two days before were now a patchwork of threats clouded by the darkness outside. For the first time since you’d started living at the farmhouse, you found yourself wishing you had more lights. Even the gentle snuffling of Fiver as he chased a dream-rabbit or the occasional snort from Ellie made you jump a mile.

If the term “long, dark night of the soul” were to be believed, yours was ten times worse.

At some point you must have dozed off, because you snapped awake from your spot on the floor, back against the couch, to the sound of something outside. Your heart skyrocketed into your throat before the moving thing cleared its throat. It was just Joel. You sagged back into a paranoid heap, relieved, but only just barely.

You jumped again as a new sound came from the porch. But it wasn’t a shuffle or a throat clear this time. It was the gentle, raindrop sound of guitar strings.

Blinking the sleep from your bloodshot eyes, you sat up and checked the old clock in the corner of the room. It was barely past three. You had a lot of the night left ahead of you. Sitting up straight, you wrapped your arms around your knees and listened closer.

Joel must have tuned the guitar, because it sounded clearer than you could remember. The notes were soft, almost imperceptible, unheard by anyone but you.

Edging slowly into a standing position, you walked to the front door and paused, hand on the doorknob. Would he be embarrassed that you’d heard? You didn’t want the music to stop, not at all. 

You stood still, closing your eyes, letting the gentle music calm your senses for another minute longer, before turning the knob and opening the door.

The older man was sitting on one of your porch chairs, silhouetted by the light of the lamp inside, guitar in his hands and legs crossed. He froze as you stepped outside, but didn’t make any move to put the instrument down. “Thought you were asleep.”

He kept his voice low to keep from rousing Ellie, and something about it sent shivers down your spine. You closed the door behind you, leaning against it and looking out into the autumn night. Stars were shining brilliantly over the landscape, twinkling for miles. It _was_ a pretty perfect evening.

“I was. Guess my nerves woke me up. You don’t have to stop playing on my account.”

He hesitated, then continued strumming the guitar’s strings slowly. The two of you sat in the wordless silence for a long time as he played. You closed your eyes and let your body relax, imagining how nice things could be if they were like this all the time. A life without loneliness, with music every night, Ellie’s laughter, Joel’s warm voice. It was a nice thought.

The question came from your lips quickly before you had time to ponder it.

“You’re leaving in the morning, aren’t you?”

Joel sighed, and the music stopped again. “... yeah. Gotta keep moving.”

“Ellie said you were going west.”

“That’s right.” He said simply, setting the guitar down to rest against the leg of his chair and leaning forward to look over at you. “We shouldn’t waste any more time than we already have.”

Emotions swirled in your core. You didn’t want them to go. You’d never had anyone in your life that made you feel so _comfortable,_ who made waking up in the morning seem like something worth doing. You wrung your hands idly, blinking hard, trying to keep your breathing under control.

And then Joel said something that sent your heartbeat into overdrive. “You could come with us.”

The torrent of emotion that had been tearing you up inside halted, and began swirling again in the opposite direction. Leave? You barely knew Joel and Ellie, you had no _idea_ where they were going. Not to mention that you had no idea how to function anywhere else but the farm. It was just too much to think about.

“Where are you even going?” 

He hesitated. “... The University of Eastern Colorado. Got some business to take care of once we get there.”

“In Boulder?” You were shocked. Ellie had made it sound so far away with her vague answer. “That’s not far at all. What kind of business?”

“It’s complicated.” Joel said brusquely, his tone evident of the fact that he was not going to give you any more information. You gnawed on your lower lip, looking from the night sky to the man in the chair beside you. His hands were folded, elbows propped on his knees as he leaned forward. He glanced over at you, brow furrowed. 

“If you stay here, there might be more attacks… we’ve already brought enough danger with us. You and the dog might be better off coming along.”

You detected something other than concern in his voice. It was minimal, but there.

Desperation.

“Joel…” you sighed, crossing your arms. “I-I’ve been here my _whole life,_ almost. If I were to leave now, I don’t know…” you swallowed dryly, unable to look at him. “I don’t… Fiver isn’t in any condition to travel, and I can’t feel safe going with you if I don’t even know why you’re going in the first place.”

“It’s safe. Trust me.”

“Yeah, I thought the same thing about this place until yesterday.”

He said your name, once, and then cut himself off. The fight was gone, leaving a hollow emptiness in the air. He’d tried to convince you but he just couldn’t, not if he was still going to be keeping secrets.

Neither of you spoke for a very, very long time. The autumn chill crept into your bones and wrapped its icy fingers around your heart. Regret, fear, uncertainty, all of it piled up inside you until you felt like you were about to explode.

When you looked at Joel again, he seemed to have aged several years in front of you. His broad shoulders slumped, his head hanging, pensive eyes staring out at the horizon. Something in your chest lurched painfully. You didn’t want him to go. What if you never saw him again? Thoughts of his hand, lingering on your cheek as he looked into your eyes, swirled around in your mind. You couldn’t _stand_ the thought of never feeling that again.

“I… I’ll think about it, okay?”

He nodded, resignation evident on his face. He wouldn’t look at you.

“Sure.”

~*~

You were in the kitchen making a fresh gauze wrap for Fiver when Ellie came in, yawning loudly. “G’morning…” she said sleepily, rubbing her eyes. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Thirty minutes, give or take.” You responded. Ellie made some kind of noise that could have been pity. “How’s Fiver?”

“He’s okay. I cleaned off his leg a little bit, it looks like it’s finally stopped bleeding. How’d you know how to make a stint like that?”

“I have years of practice. Farm tools are dangerous.” You answered simply, gesturing for her to follow as you walked into the living room. Your blonde mutt raised his head and gave a goofy dog smile as you approached, tail hitting the couch cushion in slow thumps. “Hey, boy.” You said softly, sitting down next to him and starting to re-wrap his leg.

As you worked, you heard Joel come in from the porch outside. The mother-of-pearl sunrise filtered in through the windows. “Ellie,” he said, his voice making your heart thud, “I’ve got everything packed with the horses. You ready to head out?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw the teenager’s shoulders slump. “Yeah… I think so.”

The tension in the air tightened. You kept your eyes on Fiver, studiously betraying no emotion. Joel cleared his throat. “Go out and check ‘em for me.” Ellie nodded and spared Fiver one last glance before going to the front door. You heard it slam shut.

Tightening and securing your dog’s bandages, you sighed and stood up to face him.

His hopeful expression made your stomach wrench. He was trying to keep it neutral, but as you watched, he fidgeted with his hands more than he usually did before just hooking them in his belt loops. “So… how ‘bout it?”

Fuck.

“Joel…” you started, but his face fell before the words even came out of your mouth. You knew you had to explain yourself, and fast, before he tuned you out. “I can’t. You know Fiver can’t travel right now, and- and what would I even do in Boulder? I don’t know anything beyond this place. It’s my _home.”_

He began to turn away, stony-faced, but you rushed forward and grabbed him by the arm. Surprise flitted across his features for a second as the rest of your words came flooding out of you.

“Please come back. I don’t care how long it takes. I don’t know what you have to do in Boulder, and I won’t ask, but I also know it’s less than a week away on foot. You can make it back. You and Ellie. When you finish your business, just…” your voice hitched. You were surprised to feel tears stinging at the corners of your eyes. “This place could be your home, too.”

So many more unspoken emotions were shared between the two of you in that moment. His hand drifted up to cover yours, warming it, making your stomach clench. 

His downcast eyes slowly rose to meet yours. They glimmered in the morning light.

“Okay.” He said quietly, the faintest trace of a smile on his lips.

He removed his hand from yours the moment that Ellie came bursting back through the front door, cheeks pink from the cold. “Horses look good. I guess… we should go, huh?”

Joel nodded, sparing you one last glance. As he walked over to Fiver to give the dog a farewell head scratch, Ellie unexpectedly threw her arms around your waist. “I’m sorry we couldn’t stay longer,” she said, words muffled by your shirt. You smiled gently and knelt down, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“You stay safe out there, kiddo. Eat your veggies.”

She smiled, scrubbing at her eyes with her sleeve, and gave you a resolute nod. Fiver’s tail wagged even harder when she walked over to the side of the couch. Ellie leaned down and gave the dog a tight hug around his neck, squeezing her eyes shut. “You be good, boy. Don’t turn into a Clicker.” He yipped and licked the side of her face, making her giggle.

As Ellie said goodbye to Fiver, you and Joel found yourselves looking at each other again. He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, and then held out his hand for a handshake.

“Oh my god, you are such a _guy.”_ You laughed, slapping his hand aside and hugging him tightly.

He stiffened, surprised, and then let his eyes close as he returned the embrace. You breathed in his scent, felt his warmth, and shivers ran down your spine as his forearms tightened around your midsection. Even the gentle bristle of his beard against your neck made you sigh, a hidden smile pressed against the fabric of his shirt.

You both lingered, and then pulled away from one another. You hoped Ellie couldn’t see how red your cheeks were. “Stay safe,” you said simply. Joel nodded and gave you another one of his rare smiles.

You trailed the two of them out to the side yard while they saddled up the horses, giving each animal one last pat on the haunch. “You sure you’re gonna be alright?” Joel asked as you pulled the reins, leading the horses to the front gate.

“We’re gonna be fine. I’ll add some height to the fence.” You answered, trying to suppress the buildup of dread you felt. It was happening. They were _leaving._

You opened the front gate.

“You two be careful out there, I mean it.” You pointed at Ellie. “You keep him out of trouble for me, kiddo.” The teenager nodded, attempting to smile. Joel met your eyes one last time and said your name quietly.

“So long.”

He clicked his tongue, steering the horses out of the front yard. You watched them leave, breathing deeply, trying to keep your emotions together. It wasn’t easy. Your eyes lingered on their silhouettes until they crested the horizon beyond…

And then they were gone.

The farm was quiet as you trudged back up onto the porch, but froze as something caught your eye. It was your guitar, still propped against the chair where Joel had left it.

And on the seat, folded sloppily, was one of his flannel shirts.

Your heart lurched as you picked it up gently and wrapped it around your shoulders, eyes closing at its warmth and the gentle smell that still clung to the fabric. ‘He said he would come back.’ you reassured yourself, ‘He wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t mean it.’

As your eyes closed, fighting back the rising emotions that came with your newfound loneliness, you let yourself linger on the thought of his last smile. And Ellie’s last hug.

You’d wait as long as it took.

~*~

Joel clenched the reins of his horse, lost in thought, staring resolutely out at the flat landscape. Ellie was internally debating on whether she should say anything as she watched the scenery go by. She was used to unbroken silence between the two of them, but this time there was an unresolved tension that was new to her.

She cleared her throat. “So…”

“Mm?” Joel said, snapping out of his reverie and looking over at her.

Surprised that she’d gotten his attention, Ellie paused. “Uh… that was a… hug.”

Joel said nothing, but instead shifted uncomfortably on his saddle. Reading his emotions was difficult most of the time, but she narrowed her eyes when she realized he wasn’t uncomfortable. He was _flustered._

This was getting interesting.

“You don’t even hug _me.”_

“Ellie-” He started, then gave his customary sigh. “We were leavin’. I… I didn’t want things to go unsaid.”

“You like her, don’t you?”

The older man gave her a warning glance, but Ellie was on fire now. She’d never expected to see anything like this happening to her traveling companion. He was so good at protecting his emotions, even from her. To have been softened by someone they’d only met for two days… that was unheard of.

“She should have come with us.” Ellie muttered, looking away. The customary silence returned, but only for a moment before Joel spoke haltingly.

“I asked her to. She said… she couldn’t leave.” He seemed like he wanted to say more, but instead just lapsed back into his thoughts. 

Ellie sighed, looking back down at the reins in her hands. That was the end of that conversation. She knew she probably wasn’t going to see the nice woman or her dog again. While this was something she’d gotten used to in her short life, this time she felt a distinct sense of remorse… she couldn’t put her finger on why, but it was like she’d lost someone she hadn’t even gotten the chance to get close to yet.

Joel stared into the distance, jaw set, eyes hard. He didn’t want to think about her. She’d said no to coming with them, and despite promising to come back, he didn’t know what was going to happen when they got to the Fireflies. But when she’d hugged him, when she’d asked him to come back to the farm…

The thoughts came one after the other, and the only thing the older man could do to quell them was focus on the scenery ahead. Ellie was his priority. After that… he decided he’d leave it up to chance.

Instead he just thought about her smile, the way she’d said his name, and he knew that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure nothing bad will happen in Boulder or to anyone else ever again :))))


	5. Returning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Between these two chapters I just like to imagine a New Moon style seven months' worth of blank pages because edgy sadness

Seven Months Later 

Fiver yapped as he bounded between the rows of beans and corn. You laughed, spraying him with the garden hose you’d meant to be watering the crops with. The loss of his leg the winter before hadn’t dampened his spirits in the slightest. He was the same goofy mutt you’d always known, snapping at the stream of water, shaking droplets from his blonde fur.

It was almost summer, and your crops were absolutely flourishing. You’d used the remains of the Clickers as fertilizer back in the fall and discovered that something about their fungal growths was invaluable to crop production- and, despite your initial fears, the food you grew from those crops didn’t carry the virus.

After Joel and Ellie had left, you’d committed yourself to properly learning how to shoot guns and set traps. You were reeling in game almost daily now- you and Fiver were both more built up from the sudden introduction of protein to your diet. It had been a nice change, too. 

“Okay, come on, boy.” You patted your thigh, summoning the dog to trot to your side. Giving him a little scratch between his ears, you led him up into the house. 

The farmhouse was more welcoming now that you’d made an effort to clean and air things out more regularly. You hadn’t ever given up the hope that Joel and Ellie would come back, and their rooms sat ready for their return, free of dust and the still air that came with neglect.

You walked into the kitchen and opened up the fridge. You’d jerry-rigged an old generator you found hooked up to an RV out near the road, and for the first time in nearly a decade you’d finally gotten electricity. Your ventures beyond the house were growing more bold and consistent, and with Fiver by your side and your gun slung over your shoulder, you felt braver than you had in a long time. You hadn’t let fear be your companion anymore.

With a huff, you tugged a coyote haunch from the fridge and set it on the kitchen’s cutting board while your dog whined incessantly at your feet. 

“If I give you this, isn’t it cannibalism?”

He barked.

“Okay, fine.” You cut off a small chunk of meat and tossed it down to him. He snatched it out of the air eagerly, gnawing away as you kept working. The light outside mellowed, then sank from crisp green into goldenrod as the sun lowered over the horizon. You kept Fiver occupied with the occasional treat as you cooked, humming to yourself. 

Unexpectedly, you heard the far-off rumble of thunder. “Hear that, boy? Sounds like it’s gonna rain!” Fiver yawned, unimpressed, before returning to the piece of meat he was eating. It wasn’t until you had put the ingredients into your stew pot and set it to cook over the woodstove that you realized the rumble was getting louder.

Wait, not louder. _Closer._

“Storm’s coming fast,” you murmured to yourself, tossing some spices in and stirring the bubbling pot. Fiver sat up straight, his ears perked, and made a concerning whimper.

The rumble didn’t fade, however, but kept increasing in intensity until a realization dawned on you and made you stand straight up, looking toward the front of the house. It wasn’t thunder you were hearing. It was-

Headlights flooded the house’s front windows, cutting across the blue glow of dusk. You gasped, wiping your hands off on your apron and going for the door.

Was it possible? Were you hallucinating? Fiver trailed behind you, uneven gait not impeding his speed, as you looked out one of the windows. A car had pulled up in front of the house, and as soon as you got to the window, the headlights turned off. The engine’s rumble cut short.

“Stay,” you instructed your dog, going for the doorknob. Your eyes flitted briefly to your shotgun propped nearby, but you decided it wasn’t necessary, instead flipping the switch for the porch light and hauling the door open.

Joel was halfway through the front gate when the light illuminated him. His eyes widened- he looked almost _haunted-_ but his face split into a relieved smile the moment your eyes met.

You gasped, hand covering your mouth. Shock kept you frozen in place.

“... _Joel?”_

A second passed as the two of you just looked at each other, each hardly able to believe the other was in front of them. Your heart was about to hammer out of your chest.

“I came back.” He finally said. 

You smiled and rushed off the porch, across the steps and the front lawn, positively _flying_ into his embrace. There was a deep, satisfied rumble in his chest as he hugged you tightly. The surprising sting of tears in your eyes made you gasp as you held onto him like a life preserver.

Fiver, unable to listen to instruction to save his life, came bounding out the front door and circled your feet, barking excitedly. Joel broke away and knelt down, petting the dog between the ears. “Hey there, boy. It’s good to see you too.”

When he stood back up, you took stock of his appearance. His hair was a little longer and tinged with more gray. The relief in his eyes was underscored by something you couldn’t put your finger on. Detachment?

You also realized something else was missing.

“Where’s Ellie?” Out of the corner of your eye, Fiver’s ears perked up at the sound of the girl’s name. Joel sighed heavily, pointing behind him.

“She’s in the car, we… uh, it’s been a long drive.”

The giddiness at his return far outweighed any other emotions you felt. You nodded, hands fidgeting. “Well, bring her in. Uh, I just started dinner, you can-” 

He said your name seriously, and you stopped mid sentence. His smile had faded completely, replaced with a concerned grimace. “Don’t be worried when you see her.”

“Why would I-”

He just shook his head, turning and walking to the car outside the fence. You watched him open the door and lean in, before straightening back up with an unconscious Ellie in his arms. She was wearing a surgical gown. You felt your stomach plummet.

“What the hell happened?!”

He shook his head again, adjusting his grip. “Let’s get her in the house first.”

~*~

Ellie was settled on the couch, wrapped in a couple of your old blankets with a worried Fiver resting at her side. You glanced at her through the kitchen doorway as you spooned stew into two bowls, handing one of them to Joel. The kitchen was aglow with a set of Christmas lights you’d found, casting a dim glow over the scene as you two silently ate.

You spoke first. “I take it you made it to Boulder.”

Joel nodded, swiping at his beard. “It got a lot more damn complicated after we got to Boulder.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

He sighed, putting his bowl down on the counter and resting both hands against the edge. “The people we were looking for weren’t there. Had to go to Salt Lake City instead.” He was still keeping things close to the vest. Part of you felt somewhat betrayed that he wouldn’t tell you what was going on, but you were so thrilled to have him standing in your kitchen that you didn’t argue.

You changed the subject.

“Are you… here to stay?”

Joel ruminated, picking up his bowl and draining the rest of it before setting it down with a wry smirk. “If your cooking’s gotten this good, I’d reckon so.”

He was being facetious, but nevertheless it made you laugh. “If you say so. And you can always tell me… y’know, what happened.”

“I know.” He said simply, leaning over to look into the living room at Ellie. She was completely dead to the world, and Fiver had fallen asleep with his paws crossed delicately under his head. Joel smiled a little bit as he watched her, then looked back at you. “If it’s all the same to you, I’ll sleep in the living room tonight. Wanna keep an eye on her.”

“Of course.” You responded, starting to tidy up the kitchen. You could feel Joel’s gaze lingering on you briefly before he left the room, leaving you by yourself, thoughts racing. 

They’d come back. All your patience had been worth it. But what was he hiding from you? Why had Ellie looked the way she had? It was almost as if he’d taken her out of a hospital. But then again, you reminded yourself, hospitals didn’t _exist_ anymore. So what the hell had happened?

When everything was tidy enough for your liking, you walked back into the living room. Joel was in the armchair beside the couch, turning something over in his hands. It looked like a photograph; you had no time to see what it was, however, as Joel tucked it into his pocket the moment you came in. “How is she?” You asked quietly.

“Sleepin’ alright. I don’t think she’ll wake up ‘til mornin’.” He said tiredly, rubbing his eyes. You fidgeted with your hands, that old familiar awkwardness coming back. 

“Well… I’m gonna be up pretty early to check my traps, if you wanna come along.”

Joel looked at you over his fingers, raising an eyebrow. “You’ve got traps?”

“I may have learned how to set them up after you and Ellie left.” You said proudly, chest swelling. Joel chuckled.

“Well, I’ll come along to make sure you don’t get caught in one.” 

You rolled your eyes as you went to the stairs. “Thanks for the concern, old man. I’ll hold you to that.”

He said your name quietly. You froze, your hand on the rail, as you looked at him over your shoulder. “Yeah?”

His smile was tired, but genuine. “Thank you.”

You two shared a brief moment of calm understanding as you smiled at each other. “Of course. Glad you’re back, Joel.”

~*~

When you woke up the next morning to the sound of movement downstairs, your heart soared. So it hadn’t been a dream after all. You hauled yourself out of bed, pulling on some clothes, but froze before you got to the door of your room. The wood of the landing was cold on your bare feet as you crept down the steps slowly, not wanting to wake Ellie if she were still asleep.

Your quiet approach had an unexpected result, however, as you had nearly reached the bottom of the stairs when you heard Joel and Ellie’s hushed voices. They were too quiet to make out completely, but you could pick out the occasional word or two.

“... go back to Jackson, or else…”

“... don’t feel bad, kiddo…”

“... meant nothing…”

Your eyes narrowed as you hovered just beyond the threshold, hand pressed to the wall, listening. What the hell were they talking about? Realizing that it would have been obvious you’d been listening in if you went in now, you opted to stay in your hiding spot for a few more seconds while their conversation continued.

This plan was quickly foiled by the appearance of Fiver, who’d heard you coming downstairs and trotted off the couch to investigate. You heard his claws tapping across the floor in your direction and decided against your better judgement to walk out into the living room.

Joel and Ellie were both seated on the couch, obviously having been in a heated discussion. The moment you walked in, Ellie (who had changed out of her surgical gown and into some old clothes), sprung up and came at you with wide arms. Whatever had happened while they were gone, she was obviously very relieved to see you.

“I never thought I’d see you again,” she muttered, wrapping her arms around you and closing her eyes. You brushed back her auburn hair and pressed an affectionate kiss to the top of her head, just happy to see her in once piece.

“I know, kiddo. Fiver and I missed you so much. Are you feeling alright?”

She pulled back, something distant in her expression- reminiscent of Joel’s the night before. “Yeah, I think so. I’m mostly just tired.”

“Well, there’s plenty of food in the fridge if you need to eat anything. I need to go and check my traps- and _someone_ said he was going to give me a hand.” you said, sparing a glance at Joel. He raised his hands in mock surrender and stood up, dusting himself off. You looked back down at Ellie. “Think you and Fiver can hold down the fort until we come back?”

“You got it, chief.” She grinned, seemingly back to her old self. As she disappeared into the kitchen with a happy-looking dog at her heels, Joel gestured to the front door.

“Guess we should get goin’.”

~*~

The weather outside was glorious, the brilliantly-colored sunrise coupled with a crisp morning breeze and harmonizing birdsong. You loved summer. It made life in the farmhouse much easier when you didn’t have to worry about freezing to death each night. As you set off through the front gate, leaving trails through the dewy grass with your boots, Joel caught up with you. He held a hunting rifle in his hands, you noted with a sense of satisfaction, while your shotgun was strapped to your back.

“What kind of game do you even catch up here?”

“Mostly small stuff- coyotes, rabbits, things that won’t last more than a day or two. Sometimes Infected.” You grinned wickedly. “I use ‘em to fertilize the crops.”

He blinked several times before chuckling, adjusting his grip on the gun. “That there is ingenuity if I’ve ever heard it.”

Not many more words were exchanged as you both made it to the woods that bordered your property. The only sounds were the gentle rustling of wind through the trees and birdsong as the world woke up around you. Old leaves crunched under your feet, interspersed by green shoots of new growth.

Suddenly, past the tree line, something thrashed around in the underbrush. Joel gestured for you to kneel down and brandished his gun. You gave him a look- brows narrowed and lips pursed- shocked that he would assume you didn’t know to do that in the first place.

He shot you one right back that was a strange combination of bemusement and apology before redirecting his attention back to the sound.

Whatever it was, it was _big._ Branches snapped and leaves crashed as it struggled, obviously sensing your approach. You crouched behind a tree, Joel doing the same behind one a few feet away, and slowly pulled out your shotgun. The two of you made eye contact, and you silently mouthed numbers as you counted down. “One… Two… Three.”

You both emerged into the clearing where your trap was located, guns pointed, eyes blazing. And then you slowly lowered yours, jaw dropping.

It was an _elk._

Beautiful and enormous, it had wandered into one of your snare traps and was thrashing around, trying to jerk itself out of the leather strap tied tightly around its neck. When it saw you and Joel it let out a frightened bellow, renewing its efforts to free itself. 

You stood frozen, unsure of what to do. You’d killed and cleaned animals many times before, but never something this big. You didn’t even know Colorado _had_ elk.

“I- what should we do?!” You exclaimed. Joel looked at you incredulously. 

“I thought you said you knew what you were doin’!”

“I do, b-but never with something like this…” The animal cut you off by bucking, its powerful hind legs snapping the branch of a nearby tree clean off. You were speechless.

It was obvious the older man sensed your hesitation, because he put a hand on your shoulder. “Want me to take care of it?”

Taking a deep breath, you set your jaw and shook your head. “N-No, I can handle it.” As you began to raise your shotgun, the older man scoffed and pointed it down. You looked back at him, confused. “I just said I could do it.”

“I know, but you sure as hell ain’t gonna get anything done with that. We’ll be pickin’ buckshot out of our teeth for weeks. Use this.” He offered you his rifle.

You stared at it.

“Well, c’mon, it ain’t gonna bite ya.”

“N-no, I just…” your cheeks burned with embarrassment. “I don’t know how to shoot one.”

“Is that all?” He smiled, amused, and took the shotgun from your hands before gently replacing it with his rifle. “I’ll show you.”

As you tried to get used to the weight and length of the new firearm in your grasp, Joel positioned himself beside you and guided your hands. “Alright, stand with your feet the same width as your shoulders… just like that. Make sure that stock is firm against your shoulder and press your cheek down into it.”

The flood of information was a little jarring, but you managed to get yourself into position as best you could. Joel’s hand was warm as it touched your lower back, and you suppressed a squeak. “Don’t lean forward like that. Offsets your aiming.” You nodded, readjusting your stance.

“Good. Now, this one’s got an aperture sight on it, so make sure that circle is lined up with the marker at the end of the barrel.” He leaned in close to make sure your aim was correct. You could feel the warmth radiating from him as he adjusted your grip _again,_ making sure your fingers were spread currently on the support grip. You blinked several times, trying to focus, not letting his proximity distract you. Much.

He lowered his voice. “Got it lined up?”

“Yeah,” you murmured back, aiming at the elk’s heart. It had calmed down somewhat, and was staying still enough for you to have a clear target.

“Press the trigger _slow,”_ Joel said quietly, taking a step back. “And watch for that recoil, keep your shoulder steady.”

You took a deep breath, held it, and let it out steadily. The world slowed around you, all the sounds of the woods dulling themselves to a muffled murmur. You could feel Joel’s eyes on you as you squeezed the trigger. 

The rifle cracked loudly, recoil nearly jerking your shoulder out of its socket, and the elk fell with an earth-shuddering _whump._

The sound had sent a flurry of shrikes fleeing from the trees above, and it wasn’t until they cleared and the ringing in your ears had subsided that Joel walked over and clapped you on the shoulder with a dazzling smile. “We need to work on your muscle control a lil’ bit, but that was beautiful. Well done.”

You lowered the rifle and removed your finger from the trigger as he approached the elk and felt its pulse. “Looks like that did it.”

“Great.” You let out a shaky breath, walking over to kneel down beside him. “I have no idea how we’re gonna get this guy back to the house.”

Joel stood up with a grunt, dusting leaves off of his jeans. “Don’t you have a tractor out in that barn of yours?”

“Joel, that thing hasn’t run in twenty years, easily.”

His smile edged on playful as he leaned down to pick the rifle up, shouldering it with ease. _God,_ he was sexy. How’d you manage to go so long without thinking about him like this?

“I reckon I can get it working. Re-arm the trap and I’ll be back in a bit.”

“But-”

He didn’t give you any time to respond as he turned around and stomped back through the woods in the direction of the house. Even after you scoffed and busied yourself with setting the snare trap back up, you kept thinking back to his smug smile, the way he guided your hands over the rifle while helping you shoot. Your cheeks burned and you did all you could to suppress a smile.

That man was going to be the death of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope all my info is right. I haven't actually shot a rifle in years.


	6. Longing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all want some fluff? Have some FLUFF.
> 
> Also, slight TW for gore in this chapter. There is elk-skinning.

The sun was almost over the tree line by the time Joel came back.

He’d managed to get the rusty old Farmall chugging along, and with your help eventually had the carcass of the elk hoisted up on its forked extensions. You kept up the rear, keeping an eye on the retreating woods as he steered the noisy contraption back towards the farm. The roar of the engine was loud enough that you worried it would draw in any Infected for miles.

When you’d expressed this concern to Joel, he’d just shrugged and said, “Ain’t nothing you can’t handle, right?”

Right indeed.

Ellie was standing on the porch when you both finally made it to the side yard. Her jaw dropped at the size of the elk, its legs trussed and antlered head lolling limply over the side of the forks. “That thing is fucking enormous!”

Joel turned the ignition off, swinging a leg around and hopping down off of the seat. “You should have seen it before we shot it. Biggest damn thing I’ve ever seen on four legs.”

“I’m not talking about  _ that,”  _ she hopped off the porch and strode to the tractor, obviously full of energy again. Her eyes widened as she touched the side of the vehicle, poking at one of its tires. “I’ve seen pictures, but I had no idea they were this big. Joel chuckled as she knelt down, fingernail scratching at the rusted paint. “I thought they were supposed to be green.”

“They are.” Joel said playfully. You glared at him, crossing your arms.

“God, you really are from Texas.”

He stifled a chuckle, strolling around to the back where the elk still lay, limbs jutting out awkwardly. “Guess we should start cleaning ‘im. You have your knife, Ellie?”

“Huh?” She looked up, snapped out of her trance. “Uh… yeah, why?”

“I wanna show you how to skin a buck.”

_ “What?”  _ The young girl exclaimed, her face twisting in disgust. “That’s gross!”

“Oh, c’mon, Ellie-bug. It won’t be that bad.” You said kindly. “It’s a good skill to have. Have you ever  _ eaten _ elk? I bet it’s delicious.”

Her button nose crinkled at the idea, but she dusted off her jeans and pulled a hunting knife from her back pocket regardless. “Fine…”

A bark came from the front porch, and you looked up to see a lonely-looking Fiver with a stick held in his mouth. Ellie looked over her shoulder at him. “Oh, yeah. We were playing fetch.” You raised an eyebrow.  _ You’d  _ never gotten him to play fetch. 

“Well, I hate to leave him hanging…”

“I got him.” Joel said easily, striding over to the dog and gently taking the stick from his mouth. You and Ellie watched in barely-concealed amazement as he lobbed the stick across the yard, sending the mutt chasing after it in a barking frenzy. When he finally caught your eye again, he gave you a small smile. “What? I always wanted a dog.”

Beside you, Ellie mumbled something that sounded like “show-off” before turning her attention back to the task at hand. “Uh… where do we start?”

You grinned. “Let’s take it out to the barn and I’ll show ya.”

~*~

After a little more driving and a  _ lot _ of finagling on your part, you’d managed to get the elk’s hind legs trussed and hanging from a heavy-duty chain off of the barn’s loft. Dust and flecks of old hay coated your shirt and hair, resulting in cacophonous sneezing each time you took a deep breath. Ellie jumped from the ladder to the loft, sneakers landing with a dull thump on the ground behind you.

“For a farmer, you sure are a wimp.”

“I’m not a wimp-” you sneezed again, wiping moisture from your eyes. “Just dusty in here.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” She loped over to the elk, unsheathing her knife again and running a hand across its shaggy fur. You blinked away some more errant tears. The shafts of sunlight that were streaming through the barn’s upper windows haloed the elk’s fur, dust motes swirling around it. You almost hated to skin the thing.

“Okay-” you coughed. “First, you have to make an incision down its belly.”

She curled her lip a little. “How deep?”

“Just deep enough to get past the first layer of skin.” You walked up to the hanging beast, trailing a finger down its underside from sternum to stomach. “Right there. Think you can handle it, or do you want me to do it?”

Ellie gulped audibly, shaking her head and holding up her knife. She wordlessly dug the blade into the animal’s skin, shivering a little at the ripping sound it made as she dragged it down the way you’d outlined. Blood began rapidly pooling at the edges of the incision, mingling with the thick fur as it dripped down onto the ground below. The teenager withdrew her knife and wiped it off on her jeans. “Okay, now what?”

“We gotta cut the joints and sever its tendons. Let me do the hind legs, I don’t think you can reach.”

As she passed her knife to you, you noticed the stark white of fresh bandages on her arm, peeking out of her sleeve. “Hey, what happened to your arm, kiddo?”

“Huh?” She drew her hand back, yanking her sleeve down to cover it. “It’s nothing. Just a scratch.”

You could tell she was trying too hard to play it casual. Maybe it had been some kind of wound that had gotten infected, and that’s why she was in a surgical gown? Making the decision not to press the issue, you just got to work making the rest of the cuts on the elk’s hind legs. Ellie watched in silence as you began slicing the skin off of the animal, pausing occasionally to wipe blood from your hands. Once you’d gotten it flayed down to its hips, you handed the knife back to her.

“You wanna give it a go? We’re trying to skin it down to its shoulders.”

Her initial disgust had been replaced with a subtle, morbid curiosity. She nodded, rolling her sleeves up and getting to work. Her cuts were clumsy and she punctured the muscle more than you had, but she worked in a dedicated silence that made you smile. Open-minded kid.

Outside, you heard the faint sounds of Fiver barking as he played with Joel. The old, familiar calm that you’d felt began to wash over you again, overpowering your curiosity about Ellie’s injury and their whereabouts up to that point.

Well, almost.

Ellie was grunting with the effort of pulling the skin from the elk’s torso when you stepped forward to help, removing it with a sound like wet velcro being pulled loose. “So…” you began rather awkwardly, “How did your trip go?”

Her silence spoke volumes as she wiped more blood off on her jeans, opting instead to watch you finish skinning the animal. You didn’t look at her, instead just focusing on the task at hand and giving her time to think of an answer. If she gave you any- you knew by now it wasn’t an easy question.

“It, um…” she hesitated, rocking back and forth on her heels. “It was fine.” Another silence. “Joel got hurt.”

You tried to suppress the flare of panic that sprung up in your gut. “How bad?”

“Pretty bad. I had to take care of him. But he’s okay- um, obviously. And he has a pretty gnarly scar on his chest now.”

You cut the rest of the skin loose, and it fell to the ground below in a bloody heap. Wiping sweat from your brow, you turned to look back at her. Ellie was lost in thought, looking down at the bandages on her arm again. Something told you it was a lot worse than she was letting on.

Instead of pressing her for more information, you leaned down and offered the knife to her with a wry grin. “Wanna cut its head off?”

Her dark eyes lit up, the old familiar smile creeping across her face. “Fuck yeah I do!”

~*~

An hour later, you and Ellie had all but ground the thing to meat. Its organs were kept in a small cooler you’d brought out for them (“Fiver’s dinner,” you explained) and the rest of it was neatly cut apart and laid out in a much bigger cooler from the house. Splatters of blood covered you both. The teenager’s mood had improved much more after you changed the subject, opting instead to talk about a comic series she’d recently gotten into and how she was teaching herself how to draw.

If nothing else, you’d learned that there wasn’t a star in the world that shone as brightly as her smile.

You both came out of the barn, Ellie lugging the cooler for Fiver while you tried to drag the larger one behind you. Joel paused mid-throw as the impatient-looking dog whined at his feet, and he let out a low whistle. “You gals look like you had fun.”

“It was so cool! The skin came right off! And I even got to behead it! Which was kinda weird, because I wasn’t expecting it to be so tough-” Ellie’s flood of information left the older man reeling, and he just stuck his hands in his pockets and listened to her with a small smirk. The scene sent butterflies swarming through you as you let it sink in that they were both here. To stay.

Eventually, Joel looked up to see you sitting on the cooler, watching them talk. He clapped Ellie on the shoulder to send her inside, Fiver trotting along after her, before walking over to you with an appreciative nod. “You’re good with kids.”

“Nah, I hate the little creeps. Ellie’s just easy to entertain.” You stood up, stretching some of the soreness from your back before gripping one of the handles to the cooler. “Mind helping me out? This thing weighs a ton.”

He dutifully walked around and hoisted the other side with ease. Blood flushed to your cheeks at how simple he made it look. 

As you both lugged the cooler up to the house and onto the porch, you kept stealing glances at him. His jaw was set and eyes focused, but the swell of his bicep under the sleeve of his shirt sent your stomach into somersaults. Ever since the first time you’d thought of him as sexy, you hadn’t been able to get the image out of your mind, what he must look like under there…

“So,” you grunted, setting the cooler down in front of the door and wiping your brow, “Ellie tells me you got hurt.”

He blinked a couple of times, surprised, then nodded. “Yeah, uh… we had a run-in with some guys. I fell. Landed on some rebar.” One of his hands tapped at his chest, right below his shoulder. “It was pretty nasty.”

“Must have left a sizable scar.” You weren’t being subtle at  _ all. _

Unsure if he was picking up on your sly attempt to see some skin, Joel chuckled and undid the first few buttons on his shirt, pulling it aside.

Nasty was an understatement. The scar looked  _ angry _ , blooming out and twisting from a spot right below his collarbone. Two inches lower and it would have gone through his lung. But as your eyes slowly trailed away from the warped mass of flesh and across the patch of exposed chest that you could see, disgust was rapidly overwhelmed by… something else. Tanned skin, a thick bristle of chest hair, countless other small scars that dotted his torso… it was like looking at a patchwork of injury.

It was  _ hot. _

You didn’t realize you were staring at him, open-mouthed, until he pulled his shirt closed and buttoned it up again. Clearing your throat, you nodded. “That, uh… that does look pretty nasty.”

“Speak for yourself.” The older man chuckled, dusting his hands off and walking inside before you could say anything else. It took you a second to process what he’d meant, but as you looked down at your hands to see them spattered with crusts of dark red blood, you felt your face grow even hotter.

He wasn’t going to make this easy for you.

~*~

“That smells  _ so good.”  _ Ellie drawled from behind you. You looked over your shoulder to see her walking into the kitchen, freshly clean, toweling her wet hair as she hopped up to sit on the counter. “What are you even doing with it?”

You chuckled, sprinkling a little more salt onto the meat as it seared away in your cast-iron pan. “They’re just steaks. Haven’t you ever had one?”

She pursed her lips to think, legs swinging idly. “Uhhh… we’d have steak MREs in Boston sometimes, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a fresh one.” Fiver, trailing into the kitchen behind her, barked his assent at her feet. You cut off a sliver of the steaming meat and tossed it to him, and he snatched it out of the air eagerly. 

“Well, I should probably be letting your dad do this…”

“Why?” She snorted, leaning down to pet Fiver. “Joel’s a rotten cook. He tried to make an omelet out of some eggs we’d found one time and he almost started a forest fire.”

You chuckled, flipping the steak over and letting it sizzle. “You know guys and their steaks. He strikes me as a grilling type.”

“You’d be damn right.”

You looked over your shoulder to see him leaning against the kitchen doorframe, thumbs hooked in his belt loops. The image made your stomach flutter all over again, but you just turned your attention back to your cooking and hoped your blush wasn’t evident.

“How come you never cooked  _ me _ any steak, then?” You heard Ellie ask indignantly. Joel laughed.

“Ain’t that easy to find out in the wild, kiddo. Besides, you like rabbit, don’t ya?”

_ “Hardly.  _ You practically make it inedible.”

The two of them continued their cheerful bickering even after you’d finished cooking, and you ended the argument by wordlessly handing Ellie a stack of plates from the pantry. “Here, go set the table before you bite each other’s heads off.”

She playfully stuck her tongue out at you and disappeared into the dining room, Fiver trailing behind. Joel walked up behind you, peeking over your shoulder at the plate of grilled meat. “Could probably use some more searin’.”

“Oh, shove it, old man.” You bumped him out of the way with your hip. He held up both hands in a mock surrender before following Ellie to the dining room, leaving you pink-faced and grinning like an idiot.

When you finally walked into the dining room carrying dinner, Ellie looked like she was about to explode with anticipation. “I want the biggest piece!” She said before you even set the platter down. As she reached over eagerly, Joel placed his hand over hers to slow her down.

“Easy, kiddo. You’re forgettin’ something.”

“Aw, c’mon, Joel. I’m  _ starving.” _

He smiled softly, gesturing to you. “Gotta thank the founder of the feast, don’t we?”

Your face heated up instantly, core fluttering as you rolled your eyes. “Oh, please. I just got lucky that this thing wandered into my trap.”

“Even still.” Joel’s voice was soft and genuine, making your heart thump in your chest with each word he spoke. “We have a lot to thank you for. And I mean that.”

The moment slowed almost to a standstill as you looked at him across the table, his words warming you and leaving you raw and vulnerable. He looked at you like you  _ meant _ something- like more than just a trustworthy host, or even just a friend…

Ellie interrupted you both by letting out a frustrated groan. “Alright, alright, we thanked each other, everything is great. Now can I  _ please _ have some food?”

You laughed, picking up her plate. “Sure, kiddo. Anything you want.”

~*~

It was late. Ellie had gone straight to her room after dinner, stuffed and happy. She and Joel had needed to talk about something privately, so you opted to step outside on the porch and enjoy the summer night. Cicadas were chirping loudly from the forest, and the balmy air was only cooled with the occasional gentle breeze.

After a long while, Joel finally came walking out of the front door. He sat in the chair beside you with a pent-up sigh. You two shared a comfortable silence, but it was the kind of silence that came with a slight tension of unspoken conversation. You knew, deep down, that he wanted to say something to you. It was just up to him to say it.

He glanced over at you. His voice was smooth and low. “Nice shirt.”

You hadn’t even realized you were wearing his old, worn flannel until he pointed it out. You chuckled, nodding. “Thanks. Got it from some old drifter.”

The two of you watched fireflies drift lazily across the front lawn, their warm yellow glow flashing staccato against the evening air. It was a nice night. The kind you’d gotten used to faring on your own. Deep down, you’d always hoped that you would be sharing another night like this with the man who’d stumbled into your life so suddenly half a year ago. You’d dreamed and fantasized and told yourself that you wanted nothing else, just his companionship on a nice night like this.

And now that he was finally here, it wasn’t a great excitement or an earth-shattering event. Instead, you finally felt… comfortable. At home. Like it was the missing puzzle piece you’d ached for after so many years. It felt right. Just… right.

“It was the Fireflies.” Joel said quietly.

You were jerked from your warm, happy thoughts almost as suddenly as if you’d been slapped. Joel didn’t offer anything else. You sat up and looked over at him, gently illuminated by the kerosene lamp on the porch. His handsome features were calm, with the touch of grimness that you’d come to associate with him. 

“... the Fireflies?”

“That’s who we were lookin’ for. We were, uh… told they’d be in Boulder, but their base got wiped out. Had to go to Salt Lake City to find ‘em.”

Your mind reeled. How long had it been since you’d heard about the fucking  _ Fireflies?  _ Survival had been your primary concern for the last decade, you’d never had time to be concerned with politics. As far as you were concerned, the Fireflies were just another extremist group who wanted to use the virus to their advantage. 

“What business did you have with them?”

“I…” he sighed heavily, shaking his head. “I can’t tell you. I wish I could, but… it’s too much of a risk.”

You didn’t know what to say. You’d gotten used to Joel keeping secrets from you, but now he was just stringing you along. “Joel…”

He cut you off by saying your name. “I have a brother. Name’s Tommy. He used to be a Firefly, but now he’s livin’ in Wyoming. Town called Jackson.”

You dimly remembered overhearing that name mentioned in their conversation that morning.

“We stayed there for a little while before comin’ here. It’s not that far, maybe a couple days now that we have the car. I want to take Ellie back to Jackson.”

Your stomach sank, dread gripping your shoulders and plunging them into ice. No. They’d just gotten here- you’d finally gotten him back, and now he wanted to leave again?

Before you could open your mouth to argue, he looked over at you with the same honest, slightly desperate look he’d given you back in the fall. The way he looked at you made you feel more than seen- it was like he was looking  _ into _ you, opening you up. No one else had ever made you feel that way before. 

“I want you to come with us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my google searches to help me write this probably have me on some kind of FBI list.


	7. Inextinguishable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all SO MUCH for the kind reactions to this fic!! I've had it in my drafts for a couple years and never really knew what to do with it. The sequel helped- it's been through a lot of fine-tuning, but I think it's just about done.
> 
> Anyway, enough of my sappy mumbling. Let's do this thing!

“Come _with_ you? You know you asked me the same thing when-”

“I know.” Joel held out a hand to shush you, and you lapsed into an unwilling silence. You figured if he wanted to speak his piece, he could. And _then_ you would argue with him. 

“In hindsight… I’m glad that you didn’t come along last time. I didn’t know if we’d be coming back, which was why…” he sighed again, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked away. “... look, the point is, Tommy is trustworthy. Jackson’s a safe place. Ain’t that far away, either.”

You narrowed your eyes, trying to read his expression. His posture had softened considerably in the time he’d taken to explain himself, and the familiar exhaustion on his face had worn him down. A pang of pity made you sink back into your chair, choosing instead to keep watching the fireflies. The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on you, either. 

The silence stretched out until you realized he was waiting for you to say something. “Um... “ You fidgeted in your chair uncomfortably, avoiding looking over at him. “Does Ellie know about this?”

“About us going to Jackson or you comin’ with?”

“... yes.”

Despite himself, he let out a wry chuckle and looked down at his hands. “Ah… yeah, she knows that we’re plannin’ on going back to Jackson. You comin’ along was her idea.”

You shot him a look. “Was it?”

Surprised that he was being doubted, Joel looked up at you with an expression that seemed almost… _meek._ Big, bad Joel, caught in a lie. “Uh. Well, she agreed to it awful fast.”

You held his gaze for a long moment, trying to gauge his feelings. He was nervous, no doubt about that. But as you parsed his face, you saw something else that surprised you too. Self-doubt, maybe? He was a hard man to read- and you got the feeling that you saw more of him being vulnerable than most had.

After several more moments, you stood up with a long exhale and pulled his shirt tighter around yourself. “I’d like to discuss this in the morning with you and Ellie.”

“That’s fine.” He said at length, making no move to get up from his chair. You looked at him for a moment longer before going to the door. As your fingers met the worn metal of the knob, he cleared his throat and shifted slightly in his seat. “That’s… not a no.”

You smiled, a small puff of air coming from your nose. “It’s not a yes, either.”

He chuckled softly, leaning back in the chair and looking over at you. “See you in the mornin’.”

Turning the handle, you gave him one last genuine smile for the evening.

“... ‘Night, Joel.”

~*~

The balmy warmth of the night before had obviously been a sign of things to come, as you were practically soaked with sweat when you woke up the next morning. “Ugh,” you murmured with disgust, pulling the tacky sheets off of yourself and swiping at the back of your neck with your sleeve. The air in the house was thick and humid. 

Downstairs, Joel and Ellie’s muffled voices were animated and cheerful. You assumed they were both in better moods after a hot dinner and a good night’s rest. The conversation you’d had with Joel hadn’t been forgotten, and the smallest shred of anxiety vibrated in the pit of your stomach at the idea of talking about leaving with them.

As your feet hit the hardwood floor, you sniffed at yourself and pulled back with a low groan. Luckily, the conversation could wait. You needed a shower.

Hauling yourself out of bed, you slogged to the bathroom and cranked the tap on your auxiliary water tank, letting it pour into the pot underneath. After that, you fell into a familiar rhythm- brushing your teeth with water and a dash of baking soda, cranking up the hot plate under the pot of water, letting it heat up, pouring the hot water into a bucket over the tub and letting it trickle through the holes poked in the bottom. 

It wasn’t the most satisfying way to clean yourself, but it was a lot better than swiping at your pits with a wet cloth and hoping it got rid of the stench. 

As you scrubbed soap into your hair under the meager trickle of warmth, you thought back to what Joel had said earlier. The Fireflies. The only way you could think of those two having any contact with a rabble like that would be pretty serious. And this brother of his- Tommy- Joel said he’d been a Firefly at one point, maybe he had something to do with it?

You rinsed the rest of the suds off, snatching a threadbare towel from the rack beside the tub and wrapping it around yourself. Maybe Ellie’s injury had been bad enough that she needed a Firefly doctor to look at it. Maybe Fireflies still had hospitals. Maybe. Maybe. The word buzzed around in your head obnoxiously as you trudged back into your room and pulled on some clothes. 

“Maybe” wasn’t going to answer any of your questions.

You gave your hair one last, thorough rub with the towel before leaving your room and walking downstairs. The conversation below got clearer as you descended the creaking steps.

“... not the point, the _point is_ that Dr Daniela Star is an _antihero_ and her actions justify what happened to her!”

“I just… feel like what’s-his-name-”

_“Captain Ryan.”_

“Right, right, Captain Ryan, I feel like he got the short end of the stick, y’know?”

You rounded the corner to see Joel and Ellie in deep discussion, with a dog-eared comic book splayed on the dining table in front of them. Joel had his back turned to you, and Ellie’s head snapped up the moment you walked into the room with a warm smile. “Hey, she’s awake.”

Joel looked over his shoulder at you, half-turning in his chair so he could sling his elbow over the back of it. “Mornin’, sleepyhead. What kept ya? You missed dawn.”

“No matter how early I wake up, you both are always up before me.” You yawned, brushing back your damp hair. As you walked past Joel to take the seat at the head of the table, you reached out and gave his shoulder a little squeeze. It was just a compulsion- you weren’t sure why you did it- but by the time you sat down and looked back at him you could have sworn his cheeks were a little pink.

Ellie was all smiles as she closed the comic, leaning over to look closely at you. “So what’d you say?”

“Beg pardon?”

“To coming with us! Joel said he was gonna talk about it with you last night. He did, right?”

Joel sighed, letting his head rest on his hand. “C’mon, let’s not make any assumptions about-”

“... I’d like to go.”

They both lapsed into a stunned silence. Ellie’s eyebrows slowly raised, her mouth opening wide in slightly over-exaggerated excitement. Joel just stared at you, his gaze so intense it was practically burning holes into you. The teenager was the first to make a noise, letting out a whoop and slapping the table with her hand. “I knew it! Oh, man, this is so great! You and Fiver can come with us, he’s gonna _love_ Jackson-”

“Now, hold on just a minute.” Joel held out a hand, signaling for Ellie to be quiet, before leaning a little closer in your direction. His gaze was calculated, looking for any lapse in your judgement. “You sure?”

“Might as well.” You shrugged and smiled, butterflies dancing in your stomach. “I’ve been on this farm long enough, haven’t I?”

A shrill yip came from your right. You looked down to see your dog, sitting between you and Ellie with a cheerful canine grin. You reached down and scratched him under the chin, listening to his tail thump on the floor. “... I know I can’t stop you two from going. And I’m gonna be honest, I would rather go with you to wherever it is than watch you leave again.”

When you looked back up at Joel, his intense expression had been replaced with one of… relief? Ellie, on the other hand, was practically vibrating in her seat with the excitement of it all. “I’m so glad I don’t have to argue to get you to come with us.”

“Were you going to?” You asked her, amused. She nodded with an eye roll. “No doy. I’m sure as shit not going anywhere without you or Fiver. That would be crazy.”

“Well…” you began, your voice softened by the slow realization of your decision, “this place… it’s been my home for as long as I can remember. I never really thought I’d be leaving it.” You glanced at Joel, whose features were hard to read. “But then again, I never thought I’d be seeing you two again, either. You coming back was a sign. I need to see what the world is like beyond this farm, y’know?”

He stayed quiet, thoughts churning behind his dark eyes. Ellie noticed it too, because she slapped the table and snapped him out of it. “Come on, Joel. Aren’t you excited?”

The older man jumped a little, but after looking between you both, the slightest smile ghosted his features. “‘Course I am. I’m just thinking about the car smellin’ like dog all the way to Wyoming…”

Ellie made an astonished gasp, leaning down and wrapping her arms around Fiver’s neck while you chuckled. “He smells better than you!”

Joel rolled his eyes, interlacing his fingers and looking over at you. “So, guess that means we’ll probably head out some time today, I guess?”

Nerves gripped your heart suddenly, sending your pulse racing. You needed more time. Today was way too soon. “Um…” You fidgeted, looking away. “Could we… maybe wait until tomorrow? Give me a last day with the old place?”

Joel’s voice was warm and soothing. “Of course we can. It would probably be smart to pack up some things for the trip, anyway.” He was smiling, but you barely had the energy to return it. Even though you’d made your decision, it still felt like your vision was tunneling. 

“I need some air.” You said suddenly, standing bolt upright and making for the back door. Ellie began to protest, but you saw Joel gesture for her to quiet down out of the corner of your eye as you flung the door open and walked outside.

The sun was higher in the sky than you’d expected, bringing with it a fierce heat that didn’t make you feel any more calm. You took a few stumbling steps off the back stairs and into the garden before sitting down in the shade of the old corn stalks, trying to take deep, even breaths.

Leaving. You had agreed to leave. There were a million things nagging at you, like little insects crawling up the back of your neck.

 _‘You can’t leave, you finally got the electricity working. You have traps set up and food in the freezer. You have a bed that you can sleep in. You have a_ home, _you can’t just abandon it.’_

The thoughts swirled around in your head incessantly, and all you could do to quell them was keep taking deep breaths until your chest ached from the effort. You tried to imagine yourself somewhere else, but every time you pictured a setting beyond the horizon, your mind blanked. It was _scary._

The world beyond your farm was, in your mind, swarming with Infected. An echo of a bitter past with nothing remaining but sickness and death. The farm was your safe place. Maybe you were making a mistake- you should march right back in there, and tell them-

“Hey.”

A breathless squeak caught in your throat as you flinched back. Joel was standing a few feet away, hands in his pockets. For such a big guy, he sure knew how to be quiet. “Can I join ya?”

“Uh…” you gulped, your throat suddenly dry and scratchy. “Of course.”

He nodded once, walking closer to you and sitting down in the dirt with a small grunt. One of his knees was bent, which he propped his elbow up on as he looked out at the landscape. Wildflowers swayed in the summer breeze, honey bees drifting lazily between them. The grass around your field was long and blonde, hissing with crickets. 

“I don’t blame you for wanting to stay. This place of yours is nice.” He said quietly, his thick Texan drawl making each word drip like honey. You nodded. He looked at you for a second, then back at the horizon. “But it seems lonely.”

“Always has been.” You responded, swiping at your cheek with the back of your sleeve. “Until you came along.”

He sighed deeply. “You know I would stay if I could, but-” 

“You have family in Jackson, I understand.”

“It’s more than that. Ellie needs to be there. It’ll be good for her. And frankly…” Your heartbeat only increased in intensity as his hand ghosted over yours, resting on top of it gently. “I think it would be good for you, too.”

His hand was warm and heavy, completely covering yours. Your eyes darted down to it and then back up at his face, still looking out at the field beyond your farm. You sniffled again, and with the feeling of falling off a tall building, leaned over and let your head rest on his shoulder. Joel let out a slow exhale, adjusting himself a little so you’d be more comfortable.

You two sat like that for a while, looking at the landscape. Eventually, you felt your breaths begin to calm. “What’s Jackson like?”

There was a smile evident in his voice, and his thumb gently stroked the back of your hand. “It’s a nice place. Like a real town. They’ve got electricity, a pretty sizable population… houses. Streets. A square. Hell, they’ve even got a tavern.”

At the mention of a ‘sizable population’, you felt your stomach seize up a little. “I don’t know if I’d be any good around other people just yet.”

“Ah, that’s alright. You’ve got time.” Joel chuckled softly. It was amazing how the smallest amount of words from him could put you at ease. “Besides, I bet they could use someone who knows their way around a farm like you.”

A gentle blush crept up your cheeks, and you just snorted. The silence lasted a little longer as you two sat in the shade, before you finally decided to broach the topic that had been weighing on you the most.

“Joel?”

“Mm?”

“What would you have done if I’d said no?”

You felt his breath hitch, and he shifted uncomfortably. You sat up straight and looked at him. He was avoiding your eyes. “Ellie ‘n I talked about that. Truth of it is… I was gonna try to convince you anyway.”

Your stomach knotted itself up, leaving you short of breath. He was going to try to get you to come along, even if you’d said no?

“Why?” Was all you could think of to ask. Joel looked down at the ground beneath him, hand still resting on yours. He said your name quietly.

“I’ve had a long history of leavin’ people behind. The things Ellie and I have seen… the people we’ve met… they’re always temporary. After we left Boston, it was like we ruined the lives of every damn person we came across.” The weight of his words was heavy on his shoulders, and you watched as he sank slowly into a defeated, hunched posture. “She’s always been my main priority, but that don’t mean I didn’t want to save everyone else. I…” He swallowed, voice thick. “... I’ve made an awful lot of mistakes. Leavin’ you here would kill me.”

You were speechless. His words were weighted with the decisions behind them, the things that he’d done to survive and had aged him more than anyone should be aged. In that moment, he wasn’t the big, scary man who’d shown up on your porch in a rainstorm or the weary, burdened father who’d done everything to save his daughter.

He was Joel. _Your_ Joel.

It was like the clouds in your heart had cleared. There were still plenty of doubts, but they were assuaged by the knowledge that you’d go wherever he and Ellie went. And that was all that mattered.

You slid your hand out from under his and stood up with a grunt of effort, dusting clods of dirt from your jeans and holding out your hand to him.

“C’mon, old man. We’ve got a lot of packing to do.”

~*~

“Is that all of it?” Ellie asked, propping her hands against the trunk and looking over the stuff inside. There were a couple coolers of meat and veggies from the garden, a backpack stuffed with clothes, your shotgun, and a few other odds and ends you hadn’t had the heart to leave behind. You nodded, giving it one last look-over before slamming the trunk shut.

It had taken the better part of an afternoon going through everything, deciding what you’d take and what you wouldn’t. Ellie had helped you dismantle all the traps you had out in the woods, freeing the couple of animals you’d found in them along the way, and you’d siphoned all the gas from the tractor and the generator to put in the old car. Joel had even been nice enough to clear out some space in the backseat for the old, worn teddy bear from Ellie’s room. You had everything you needed.

Ellie sighed happily, stretching her arms as she glanced over at the setting sun. “Sweet! I’m starving. What are you making for dinner?”

“Actually, kiddo, your dad insisted that he’d be cooking tonight.”

“What?!” Her face twisted up in disgust as she shook her head vigorously. “Oh, come on. You serious?”

“Gives us a chance to relax, doesn’t it?” You reached over and playfully ruffled her auburn hair as the two of you walked across the lawn. “Besides, I wanna show you something.” As the two of you climbed the steps up to the porch, her attention was drawn to the shoebox resting on the porch’s small table. 

“Hey, what’s that?”

“Why don’t you open it and find out?” You leaned against one of the support beams, crossing your arms with a grin. Ellie plopped down into one of the chairs and opened the box, eyes twinkling with glee. She pulled out a small cassette tape.

“Whoa, I didn’t know you had any music!”

“I’ve had that one since I was a kid. My Walkman stopped working about six years ago and it’s just been collecting dust ever since. I want you to have it.”

Her eyes narrowed as she held the small box close, scanning the title in the dimming afternoon light. “Let’s see… _The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust… and the Spiders from Mars._ ” She snorted as she looked back up at you quizzically. “The hell kind of a title is that?”

“A weird one. Go ahead, give it a listen.” You walked over to the chair beside her and sat down heavily, looking out at the sunset as you folded your hands in your lap. Ellie dutifully took her walkman from her back pocket and fiddled around with the tape, putting her headphones in her ears and pressing play. As you watched, her expression of skepticism slowly faded into one of awe. She looked up at the sky as it faded from fiery orange into deep purple, absolutely enraptured by the music. You considered asking to share a headphone, but opted instead to watch her reaction. It was worth it.

After several minutes she pressed the pause button with a plastic-y ‘click’ and took her headphones out. “It sounds like it was made in space!”

“Yeah,” you chuckled, “it basically was. By one of the only aliens to ever come to earth.”

She looked down at her Walkman, tucking one of her earbuds back in and continuing to watch the sky. A few stars were just starting to peek out, twinkling in the last remains of the sun’s dusky glow. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, only interrupted by the faint sound of music coming from her headphones, she said, “Isn’t it weird that people have been up there?”

Caught off-guard by her sudden introspection, you smiled a little. “Yeah, it is pretty weird. How much do you know about space travel, kiddo?”

“Not much. I know we landed on the moon back in, like, the sixties or something. We talked about it a little when I was in the boarding school in Boston.” She made a face. “My teacher said it was a government hoax.”

You chuckled softly. “It definitely wasn’t a hoax. I don’t know much about it myself, but there were a _lot_ of tries before we finally made it to the moon. The US and Russia were in a space race… it was like a pissing contest to see who had better rocket ships. Russia made it to space first, but _we_ made it to the Moon before they did.”

She mulled your response over for a few seconds. “Y’know… if things were different- like, if the virus had never happened- I think I would have wanted to be an astronaut.”

“It takes a lot of math know-how, I hear.”

Ellie smirked. “I’m not _that_ bad at math. I just think it would be nice to be up there. All that darkness and silence, just floating in space, and then you look out of the rocket window and you see the sun rising behind the earth, the _whole_ earth, and you know it means something. It’s home.”

Her words blew you away. She’d always struck you as an intelligent young woman, but her philosophy was beyond that. She sounded… _old._

“It’s like me and Joel, you know?” She continued, fingers casually fiddling with the buttons on her Walkman. “Sometimes it feels like I’m just floating in space, and then I look at him and it feels like I’m tethered and safe.” Her expression grew distant, smile fading on her lips. “He’s all I’ve got now, I guess. And you.”

Your chest swelled. “Me?”

“Yeah- like, you and Fiver. You’re like home. Which is weird, since we haven’t spent much time together, but you guys all feel like family to me.”

Tears prickled at the corner of your eyes. You swiped them away, taking a deep breath and trying to keep it together. “Sounds to me like you’re already an astronaut, Ellie-bug.”

She caught your gaze and smiled in spite of herself, chuckling nervously. “Sorry. I don’t usually get this sappy.”

“Don’t be. It’s really sweet. And I’m sure your dad appreciates it too.”

Something flickered in her expression and she looked back down at her Walkman, smile fading. “You know Joel isn’t my _actual_ dad, right?”

“What?” You raised your eyebrows, genuinely surprised. Sure, they didn’t exactly _look_ alike, but you’d just assumed… “S-Sorry, it’s just that you guys act like-”

The front door opening interrupted you, and you jumped a little. Joel poked his head outside, Fiver standing beside him, tail wagging. “I think I’ve almost got this licked, if you gals wanna come in and wash up.”

“Hope you didn’t burn anything.” Ellie remarked, wrapping her headphones around her Walkman and tucking it back into her pocket. Joel made a face as you both stood up.

“You know, my cookin’ is usually great when I’m not havin’ to do it over a campfire in the middle of the woods.”

“Yeah, yeah.” The girl muttered, pushing past him to walk inside. You followed behind, Joel closing the door behind you both and flashing you a smile. 

“What were y’all up to?”

“Oh, we just-”

Ellie interrupted you as she knelt down to pet Fiver, her energy suddenly returning in full force. “She gave me this super cool cassette! It had kind of a dumb title, but the music’s really good. It’s like sci-fi rock. Uhh… ‘Ziggy Stardust and the Mars Spiders’, or something.”

“Ziggy-” Joel began, then shot you a look that was half accusatory, half bemusement. “You got her listening to _Bowie?”_

“One can only stomach so much Hank Williams, old man.” You shot back, making sure the door was firmly shut behind you. “C’mon, let’s go eat. I’m sure you’d love to debate the merits of 70s rock ‘n roll while we’re at it.”

He shot you a playful wink, making your insides turn to jelly. “Whatever you say.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Throwing a little of my own music taste in there. ;)


	8. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend listening to the song "Ecstasy" by Crooked Still while you read this. It's the one from the first gameplay trailer for the sequel and I had it on repeat while writing.
> 
> Also, double-upload. I was in a writing kick last night and figured I wouldn't make you guys wait any longer. <3

You sat back in your chair, stuffed past the point of movement, and let out a long, satisfied breath. “That did not suck. Good job, old man.”

“Meat was kinda dry. Coulda used more salt.” 

“Can it. It was good.” You looked over at Ellie, whose eyelids were already getting heavy in a post-food haze. “You gonna make it, Ellie-bug?”

“I’m-” She yawned, rubbing her eyes. “I’m fine to help clean up…”

“No need.” You stood up, stretching the stiffness from your arms. “Not like I’m gonna be re-using these dishes, anyway.” She nodded sleepily, pushing her chair back and hoisting herself out of it like the act took all the energy in the world. Wordlessly walking over to the couch, she picked up the old paperback she’d been in the middle of the night before and cracked it open. Fiver hopped up onto the couch at her feet, walking in a tight circle before flopping down and closing his eyes.

Joel stood up with a low breath, following after you as you walked into the kitchen. “Got any special plans for your last night in the ol’ homestead?”

“Glad you asked. I found this back in March and wanted to save it for a special occasion…” you trailed off, leaning down to rummage in the lower levels of the pantry. Your fingers finally brushed glass and you stood up, holding out your prize triumphantly.

Joel took the bottle of bourbon from you with a low whistle, turning it in his hands. “I’ll be damned. Michter’s, 2010. This would’ve cost more’n 3,000 bucks pre-outbreak.” You swelled with pride as he gazed at it in awe. “Ain’t even been opened.”

“Wanna take care of that problem?” You asked him playfully, hands on your hips. He nodded, tucking the bottle under one arm. 

“Tell you what. I’ll start us a fire out in the backyard while you get some glasses for this.”

Something about his tone made your stomach do somersaults, and you nodded eagerly. As he disappeared out of the kitchen and opened the sliding glass door, you started looking around for a pair of the cleanest glasses you could find.

~*~

Several minutes later, you tiptoed past the already-sleeping Ellie and out to the backyard. Joel had gotten a small fire kindled with a few pieces of wood and the remaining, dried-up corn husks. He’d even pulled up a large log to use as a bench and was sitting on it already, tending the flames.

“What kept ya?” He asked, but answered his own question the moment he looked up. You’d brought the glasses, as requested, but in your other hand carried the old guitar by its neck. A warm smile creased his features as you sat down beside him, balancing the instrument on your lap and handing him a glass. 

He reached down and picked up the bottle, and you watched the amber liquid slosh around inside as he got to work undoing the wax seal with his pocket knife. He hacked away at it for a few seconds and, ever the impatient type, eventually just gave up and pulled the cork out with his teeth, spitting it into the fire. You felt your heart thump as he poured a couple fingers into each glass and raised a toast.

“To Jackson.”

“Jackson,” you agreed, clinking your glass against his and taking a sip. The bourbon bloomed warm and smokey on your tongue, leaving in its wake a subtle oaky-sweet taste as it burned down your throat. Joel whistled as he downed his, shaking his head a little.

“That there is some strong stuff.” He coughed. “Damn.”

You hadn’t ever really been one for drinking, so the head rush hit you almost immediately. You took another sip, the burn feeling smoother the second time. Joel took a second to refill your glasses before setting the bottle back down and gently taking the guitar from you. Settling it on his lap, he gave it a perfunctory strum. “Can’t believe you never played this thing.”

“Well, you know…” You waved a dismissive hand, swirling the alcohol in your glass as you looked at the fire, “I never really built up the calluses for it.”

“‘S more than just the calluses,” he remarked, “It’s about the control.” You looked back at him as he trailed off, instead strumming a gentle melody on the strings. It was almost too quiet to hear over the fire. “Would you believe I wanted to be a country singer when I was a kid?”

“No way.” You grinned, delighted, and took another sip. You could feel your cheeks warming up as the aged bourbon went straight to your head. “Sing something for me.”

He chuckled, giving it a few more gentle strums. “It’s been a long time since I sang for anybody.”

“It doesn’t have to be.” You teased, draining the rest of your glass before reaching for the bottle again. You thought it was just the alcohol giving you a rush at first, but you slowly realized that it was everything- the gentle crackling of the fire, the way Joel gently played the guitar like it was the easiest thing in the world, the way he was close enough for you to pick up the gentle scent of him, like cedar and sweet woodsmoke…

Then he drained his second glass, took a deep breath, and began to sing.

His voice was soft and low, a little gravelly after years of underuse. You watched, mesmerized, as his fingers expertly traced the frets of his guitar and the muscles in his forearm rippled with every strum. 

_ “When I go, don’t cry for me… in my Father’s arms I’ll be…” _

His brow was furrowed, focused, as gentle notes fell like raindrops.

_ “The wounds this world left on my soul will all be healed, and I’ll be whole…” _

Your gaze traced up his arm to his face, his dark eyes reflecting the flickering firelight. The orange glow seemed like it was erasing the lines around his eyes, winding back the years, like the mistakes and burdens of the last several months were being lifted off. He looked calm. Your heart thudded in your chest as he continued to sing softly, words dripping from his lips like honey. 

_ “It don’t matter, anywhere I lay… All my tears’ll be washed away…” _

Then, as soon as it had started, it was over.

You sat in stunned silence, amazed, as Joel let out a deep sigh and reached for the bottle. Not even bothering with his glass, he just took a deep pull straight from the mouth before handing it to you. You took it numbly.

“... you sing beautifully.” You said at length, taking another drink. Joel chuckled.

“You’re just butterin’ me up, darlin’.”

The pet name sent shivers down your spine. All the bourbon had made his Texan accent even more pronounced, and his voice even deeper. 

He continued strumming the guitar for a little while longer as you both shared the bottle, putting a good dent in its contents. The alcohol sunk into your bones and warmed you from the inside more than the fire was doing on the outside.

And then, unexpectedly, Joel set the guitar down. He said your name quietly. “There’s somethin’ I gotta tell ya.”

“Mm?” You responded somewhat ungracefully, looking away from the fire and back at him. His expression sobered you up somewhat- the lines in his face had come back all at once, and he looked into the fire as if it held answers that nothing else could give.

“We went to the Fireflies, uh…” he trailed off, looking down at his hands. They were heavy and callused, worn and scarred from years of survival. He seemed unable to keep talking. You reached over, either emboldened by the alcohol or curiosity, and took both his hands in your own. His dark eyes shifted up to look at yours.

“You can tell me, Joel. It’s okay.” You said quietly. He took a deep breath, like he was surfacing after a long time underwater.

“... it’s… Ellie. I ain’t her father.”

“She told me.” Anxiety was starting to build in your gut. Where was he going with this?

“The, uh… the Fireflies… they hired me to bring her out west to a doctor.” He blinked a few times, hard. “Ellie… ah, hell. Ellie’s immune to the virus. She got bit and she didn’t turn. They wanted to use her… as a way to make a cure.”

For several long moments, the only sounds were the fire and the cries of cicadas in the darkness beyond. You felt a strange weightless sensation, like you were falling.

“They were gonna kill her. I… I couldn’t let that happen.”

He trailed off, looking away. You angled your head down to catch his gaze, not willing to let him escape your eyes. He looked at you slowly, scores of untold emotions in his dark eyes. “What did you do, Joel?” You whispered. He didn’t need to say it, but you needed to hear it.

“... I saved her.”

Your grip on his hands loosened, and you looked at the fire. It felt like all the blood in your body had crashed down through your feet. Ellie… was immune. Joel had stopped the cure. “I don’t…” you murmured quietly, shaking your head. It wasn’t true. It  _ couldn’t _ have been true. 

You took a deep breath. Then another. You wanted to scream at him. You wanted to tell him to take her and leave this property, never to set foot here again. To take everything to Jackson- or straight to Hell, for all you cared.

But then you looked back at Joel, and you saw him for what he was- just a man. A man who’d saved someone he loved. A man with the weight of a world on his shoulders.

You reached out and gingerly touched his cheek. It was warm, the bristles of his facial hair scratchy against your palm as you cradled it. He looked up at you, his eyes soft in the firelight. “It’s okay,” you said softly. “I forgive you, Joel.”

“But-” he started, and you gently shushed him.

“Joel. It’s been twenty years. The world’s already dead, long past the point where a cure could fix it. Look around you. We’re at the beginning of something new. And if it means that that girl in there can live a full life, then it’s just water under the bridge.” You offered him a comforting smile. “What would the point of a cure be if there were no one left to save?”

His eyes sparkled with something that could have been tears, and he quickly swiped at them with one of his knuckles before they could fall. A long, relieved exhale softened his shoulders as he looked back at you, removing your hand from his cheek and holding it tight in his own.

“She ain’t the only one.” He said quietly. His voice was barely more than a whisper.

You raised an eyebrow and tilted your head, confused. “You mean… the only one who’s immune?”

“No.” Joel moved closer to you, closer than anyone ever had been, and ran his fingers through your hair. His dark eyes glimmered as his hand cradled the nape of your neck, the other reaching around to settle on your waist. The sweet cedar scent of him flooded you and left you speechless. “She ain’t the only person I refuse to let go of.”

“Joel.” You said, once, before he pulled you into the kiss.

It was like taking your first breath of fresh air after your lungs had been clotted with dust. Like feeling the sun on your face after a lifetime of rain. You drank him in with all of your senses, letting your eyes flutter closed as he pulled your body flush against his. The gentle rumble in his chest as he made a wordless noise against your lips, breathing in your air, holding you like you were the most precious thing in the world.

His hands slid up to cradle your face as he finally pulled back, eyes slowly opening. You let your forehead rest against his, took a breath, and kissed him again. Joel wasted no time, reaching down to hook his hands under your thighs and hoist you up to straddle his hips. The kiss was desperate, full of pent-up longing and the finality of sharing in each other after so many hidden thoughts.

You were full. You were  _ complete. _

Neither of you had anticipated the lack of coordination that came from being drunk, however, and your body against his was too much of a counterweight for the narrow log. In a matter of seconds, Joel let out a low exclamation of alarm against your lips before toppling backwards into a heap on the grass below. You landed on top of him with a muffled gust of air.

Silence for a moment, and then Joel began to laugh.

You started laughing too, letting your head rest on his chest and listening to the rumble of his voice. He held you by your waist, leaning down to gently kiss the top of your head.

Neither of you had anything to say. There  _ was _ nothing to say. Though it was that kind of nothingness shared by two people who were happy to have finally found that their feelings were shared and had been from the beginning. You lay there on Joel’s chest until the fire began to die, and the head rush from the alcohol had all but diminished into a warm glow somewhere in your core.

“Does Ellie know?” You finally asked. You felt Joel shake his head as he rubbed soft circles into your back.

“No, thank the Lord, she doesn’t.”

“I won’t tell a soul.” You inched your way up to look at him, his features now barely perceptible in the moon’s silvery glow. He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, smile soft on his lips. 

You two just gazed at each other, before you pressed a soft and loving kiss to his forehead. “We should probably get inside before coyotes eat us.”

“Mmm. Let’s take the bourbon.” He murmured, callused hands roaming under your shirt and across your lower back as he sat up, lifting you into an upright position along with him. You giggled, cheeks flooding with warmth, and slung your arms around his shoulders.

“Only if you promise to show me what else those fingers can do, old man.”

~*~

You woke up to the gentle rustling of sheets beside you, quickly followed by the first stab of a splitting headache. “ _ Ssst-  _ fuuuuck…” you muttered, pressing your hand to your forehead and sitting up to get out of bed.

You were stopped, however, by an arm tightening around your waist from behind. All your emotions and memories of the night before came flooding back all at once, and you looked over your shoulder. Joel was sprawled across your bed, haphazardly covered by your sheets, and he eased one eye open as he smiled slightly.

“Mornin’.” He murmured, grunting softly as he hauled himself up into a sitting position beside you. The sheet fell down, revealing his muscled torso and leaving his patchwork of scars on display. His graying hair was messy, lit from behind by the morning sunlight that came in shafts through your bedroom windows.

He was radiant, and you were left dazzled in the afterglow.

You didn’t realize you were staring, open-mouthed, until he hooked a finger under your chin and closed your mouth for you. “Good to see you too, darlin’.” His playful grin made your knees weak. “That bourbon treat you rough?”

“Mmn. It wasn’t the only thing.” You responded, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to his bristly cheek. He growled softly in your ear, giving the side of your thigh a firm squeeze followed by a slap.

“Wish I could do it again, but we’re on a pretty tight schedule. You should get dressed.”

Excitement coupled with frustration made you huff as you hauled yourself out of bed, pulling on your clothes from the night before. They still smelled like woodsmoke. Behind you, you heard your lover doing the same. Your head throbbed as you went to the door of your bedroom, eager to get some breakfast before you passed out. 

“Now, hang on just a minute.” Joel’s voice came from behind, making you shiver a little. You looked over your shoulder as he walked up behind you, brushing your hair back and pulling down the collar of your shirt.

“What is it?” You asked. He hmm-ed softly as he examined your neck from every angle, moving your hair out of the way each time.

Finally he made a satisfied noise. “Just makin’ sure I didn’t leave any marks that were visible.”

“Oh, you-” you began to playfully scold him, but cut yourself off as soon as you heard Ellie start moving around downstairs. “Ah, hell. She’s awake.”

“She’ll be alright.” Joel responded, stretching out the stiffness in his neck. “Better to get her used to the idea now than have her find out about it later.”

“Get her used to the idea of  _ what?”  _ You teased. He gave you another one of his flirty little growls, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you close. 

“This.” He said simply, and pulled you into a hungry kiss. You let out a soft exclamation against his lips, hands sliding up his back to tangle in his hair. He tasted like sleep and bourbon from the night before- not normally a pleasant combination, but something about it coming from Joel made your insides melt.

It was an intimate few seconds before you pushed him back by his shoulders, kissing the tip of his nose. “We have plenty of time for that, old man. Let’s get ready to hit the road.” You teased.

Plenty of time.

~*~

Ellie had been amused and only slightly horrified to see you and Joel both coming down the stairs. In her own words, “I knew it was gonna happen at some point, but I didn’t really want it to happen that close to where I was sleeping.”

Regardless of her reaction, it made your heart soar every time you felt Joel squeeze your shoulder in passing or let his hand rest on the small of your back. The gentle kisses and loving looks were abundant as the three of you combed the house, making sure there was absolutely nothing left that you would miss before you left for Wyoming.

There wasn’t.

Birds were chirping outside as you walked out to the car, your footsteps streaking through the morning dew. “We should make it to Jackson sometime after dark if we make it quick. Ellie, how’s our gas stock?”

She opened the trunk and jostled each jerry can. “Feels like they’re pretty full. I don’t think we’ll need to stop.”

“Alright. Where’s-” Joel stopped mid-sentence as he looked over his shoulder.

You were standing in front of the house with Fiver sitting at your side, just gazing at it. The farmhouse had been your home for the last ten years, keeping you safe from every threat and sheltered from every storm. You knew its nooks and corners as well as you knew your own- it was like leaving behind an old friend. Fiver whined softly as you gently stroked his velvety ears.

Joel’s hand on your shoulder was a gentle comfort. “It’s time to leave her behind, darlin’. She’s tired.” He said simply, letting his arm drape around your waist. You nodded, taking a few deep breaths and swallowing the lump in your throat.

“Just… can’t believe it’s finally happening.”

And yet as you said the words, somewhere deep down you felt the faintest sense of relief. It wasn’t abandonment. It was a transition. You looked at Joel- his warm smile and his dark, kind eyes, and realized your time in the farmhouse alone had finally ended.

Joel and Ellie were your home now.

He sensed your unease and pulled you close, kissing the top of your head. Your name was soft on his lips. “Everything’s gonna be okay now, darlin. I’ve got you. I love you.”

You’d expected the words to make the world stop spinning, but instead they were the last click of the key in the lock. You sighed deeply, letting your head rest in the crook of your lover’s neck, and nodded. “I love you too, Joel.”

Then you froze. “Wait. Shit. I almost forgot something.” You were out of his arms in a flash, running around the side of the house and toward the backyard. Joel called after you, asking what it was, but there wasn’t any time to waste. You wheeled around into the backyard and spied it, sitting in the same place that it was last night. Smiling with relief, you snatched it up with both hands and ran back to the front of the house, completely out of breath, holding it out to Joel.

“We-” you gasped- “We can’t leave this…”

He chuckled, taking the guitar from your hands. “No, I reckon we can’t.” His thumb swiped some stray dirt off of the moth decal on its neck. “But I don’t know if we have room in the car…”

You stood up straight, catching your breath, and grinned. “I can make some room.”

As you walked around the side of the car, Ellie leaned out the back window. “Can you guys hurry up? I don’t wanna get there at ass o’ clock.”

“We’re almost set, Ellie-bug. Gotta move something around.” You said softly, reaching over to ruffle her auburn hair. You popped open the trunk and reached inside, pulling your shotgun out. 

“There, Joel. Should fit now.”

“You sure, darlin’?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. You nodded, holding it gingerly in both hands. Joel smiled and walked around to stow the guitar in the trunk, pausing only to kiss your cheek softly. 

As he walked to the driver’s side of the car, holding the door open so Fiver could bound in to sit beside Ellie, you walked up onto the porch and set the shotgun down on the steps.

Tears prickled your eyes as you ran your hand over the aging steel, and then the worn wooden floorboard underneath. “Thank you,” you whispered simply, before turning and walking to the car.

The metal door creaked open as you sat down in the passenger seat, looking up at the sky through the windshield. It was bluer than you’d ever seen, clear as the sea.

Joel cranked the ignition, putting his hand over yours. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, looking back at Fiver. Ellie was scratching him between the ears, and he just looked thrilled at the prospect of another adventure. When you looked back at Joel, you squeezed his hand softly with a warm smile.

“Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyric credit to "All My Tears" by Ane Brun from the official TLOU2 soundtrack.
> 
> Also, WOOOOOOOO ROMANCE 'N HAPPINESS 'N SHIT! I really thought about giving this an Explicit rating and doing the stuff with Joel, but it didn't seem quite fitting. Maybe next time. ;)
> 
> Wonder what's happening back in the present with Dina?


	9. Epilogue: Clear Skies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I'm just posting this all at once, aren't I? We've got a story to wrap up!

The wind against the siding of the house had subsided, replaced instead by the gentle hiss of falling snow. You watched the embers of the fire. Dina let out a low whistle, knees tucked to her chest. “Wow. So he’s good in the sack, huh?”

“ _Di-_ na!” You exclaimed, laughter wracking your shoulders. She shrugged. 

“I mean, not that it _wasn’t_ one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard, but what I’m getting from that is that Joel is a fantastic lay.”

“Don’t get any ideas, young lady.” You remarked playfully, shooting her a look. “He’s far too old for you.”

She laughed loud enough that the horses nickered nervously, flicking their ears. “Still, though… so _that’s_ how it happened? All of it’s true?”

“That’s right.” You lied. You’d obviously left out the part about Ellie’s immunity- that was still a secret you kept very close to the vest. But as for the rest of it… “I was hungover as hell for the whole ride, but we got to Jackson the next morning and Tommy helped get us settled. Should have seen the look on his face when Joel told him who I was. I thought he was about to pass out.”

Dina rattled the empty beef jerky bag before tossing it into the remains of the fire. “How soon after that did you guys get married?”

“Two months.” You smiled warmly, twisting your wedding ring. “He didn’t see the point in waiting. Neither did I.” 

As you ruminated warmly on the memory, Dina stood up and looked out of the grimy window. “Looks like the worst of the storm is over. We’d better head back before it gets too dark.”

“Mm.” You responded, standing up with a low grunt and dusting yourself off. Ripley shook her mane as you walked over to her, patting the side of her neck. “Let’s get going, girl.” You hooked your foot into the stirrup and swung yourself up into your saddle, stretching out some of the stiffness in your back that had come from sitting for so long.

Wheeling your house around to walk out into the snow, you looked back at Dina. She looked deep in thought. “What’s on your mind?’ You asked, clicking the reins.

“Uh…” she said with uncertainty. “It’s just… you said you and Joel _knew?_ What do you mean?”

“Hm.” You guided your steed through the thick blanket of snow as the far-off lights of Jackson slowly came into view. “I guess it’s like… a familiarity. I knew I loved Joel from the day I met him. Every day after that was just making sure he felt the same way. Why, is that how you feel about Jesse?”

Dina’s face scrunched into a frustrated expression. “I mean, _Jesse…_ I dunno. I can think of people I do feel that way about… agh. It’s just confusing.”

“... ah.” You smiled as you redirected your attention to the path ahead, knowing exactly who she meant. “Don’t worry, kiddo. You’ll find the one. You’ve got time.”

You two shared more casual small talk as you rode home, admiring how thick the layer of snow after the storm was. The whole forest was covered in a perfect white blanket that glittered, reflecting the lights of the sunset. The sun was just sinking over the mountains as you finally made it back to Jackson, waving to the guards behind the main gates.

The doors creaked open and you steered your frigid horse inside, toward the stables. Dina offered to take Ripley in for a hot bath and some oats, and you happily let her, just excited to go home to your husband.

“And by the way,” she said your name cheerfully as you walked to the door of the stables, “remind Ellie that we’re going sledding tonight, will ya? She’s always forgetful about that sort of thing.”

“Sure.” You told her kindly, waving goodbye and heading back in the direction of your house.

~*~

Joel and Ellie were sitting out on the back porch when you got back. Ellie saw you first, standing up and waving with a wide smile. Joel followed suit, coming down the steps and wrapping you up in a bear hug before you’d even made it past the fence.

“Easy, old man, I’ve got some ribs I’m still using!” You laughed, hugging him tightly. He chuckled, kissing the top of your head.

“You just scared me, darlin’. What kept ya?”

“Snowstorm.” You answered, reaching down to take his hand as you both walked back up to the porch. “Dina and I took a walk down memory lane while we were waiting. She’s a nice girl, Ellie-bug.”

Ellie’s cheeks turned bright pink as she crossed her arms. “Yeah, well, we’ll see what happens…” 

At her feet, Fiver was curled up in an exhausted heap, but his tail started to thump as soon as he heard your voice. You knelt down and scratched him under his muzzle, now completely white with age. He couldn’t bark as loud and his missing leg was more of a hindrance to him now, but he was still your loyal companion.

Ellie stood up and stretched. “Well, now that you’re home, I gotta go. Dina and the others wanna go sledding.”

“Hey, now,” Joel warned. “You be careful beyond the perimeter. You got your gun?”

“Yes, _sir.”_ She drawled sarcastically, gesturing to her holster. Joel still looked a little unsure, but you waved her off.

“Go have fun with your friends, kiddo. Be safe out there!”

“Yeah, yeah!” She responded, bounding off the porch steps and off into the snowy night. You watched her until she was out of sight, leaning against the railing with a slight smile on your face. 

You eventually straightened back up and wrapped your arm around Joel’s waist, kissing him softly. He tasted like coffee. “You know something, old man?”

“What’s that?” He asked warmly, draping his arm around your shoulders.

“I love you.” You said simply. 

He chuckled, pressing another kiss to your forehead. “I love you too, darlin’.”

And as you gazed up at him, his soft dark eyes and his gentle smile, you realized that was all you’d ever need.

END 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> D'AWWWWW.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for all the love you've shown this! I know it's kinda crazy to get the last three chapters put up in the same day, but it was either that or be on another month-long hiatus, and I didn't want that to happen.
> 
> This won't be the last I write about Joel and Ellie, I promise. But it's the nice, sweet ending that I wanted Joel to have all along. I'll see you guys around! xoxo, P&B


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